Personal Change in the Gospel of Jesus Christ

Marriage - again

2011-08-02T15:24:00.000-06:00

I really love my wife. And yet my actions often show the exact opposite.

Marriage requires trust above all else. And yet I destroy trust on a consistent basis.

Working to recover from addition and repair a marriage is tough work. But it's also the most important work I can do.

These are the reasons that the Savior must be a partner in both recovery and healing.

Mindset

2011-08-01T09:36:00.000-06:00

Been reading an interesting book lately called Mindset, by Carol Dweck. The premise of the book is that individuals have one of two basic mindsets.

First is the mindset that our traits, personality, characteristics, and talents are basically set. We are who we are, and we can't change that much. For example, if I am a poor writer it's just simply a talent I don't have. I'm not a natural born writer, and therefore will not be able to write for a living.

The second mindset is a growth mindset. No matter what our characteristic or personality or talent now, this mindset says they can always be improved. This mindset says, if I'm not a good writer now, through hard work, effort, and learning I can become an excellent writer.

The interesting thing about the two mindsets is how much having the second mindset can contribute to success. The author has done meticulous studies which show how much the second mindset drives our ability to improve and achieve remarkable results.

The first mindset leads us to think of failures as devastating. "If I can't improve, and I fail, that must mean I am doomed to always fail.

While the second mindset sees failure as an opportunity to get better. "If I failed now, that means I'm learning, so I'll try again and learn from each mistake"

It's remarkable how much these two mindsets can play into addiction. I think it's safe to say that most addicts come from mindset #1. We often say to ourselves (sub-consciously)
"I'm stuck in this addiction. No matter what choices I made to get here, there is now no way out. It is who I am, it's a weakness of mine, part of my in-born traits, and there really isn't anything I can do about it".

But the second mindset is the the way of thinking the Twelve Steps teach us. It teaches that growth comes from admitting our mistakes, seeing that there is a way out, and then living every day to improve ourselves and turn ourselves to the Lord. It teaches that through righteous action and positive daily effort, we can improve those traits that led us into addiction.

I know I for one suffer from the first mindset in a severe way. I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my thoughts with growth mindsets thoughts, thoughts that will lead me to truly believe I can make improvements and overcome addiction.

Recovery Meetings

2011-07-30T20:05:00.000-06:00

I can't figure out if this post should go under the topic of "whining" or "getting it off my chest" or perhaps more optimistically "constructive criticism".

I attend weekly meetings at the LDS Family Services addiction recovery meetings. These meetings have been a powerful tool in my recovery efforts. They are patterned after SA meetings, yet follow gospel principles to allow the spirit and gospel truth to help is in our recovery.

Lately, the meetings have undergone some changes. Most of which I am struggling to reconcile. My brief summary of each one and my feelings about them:

1) We are not allowed to clap after a person shares their days of sobriety. This one perhaps doesn't seem like a big deal. But unless you've been an addict who struggles to make it through even one day without acting out, it's hard to understand just how good it feels to have a group of men clapping for your honest efforts to be sober. Be it one day of sobriety or 800, the clapping for my brothers and their recovery efforts was on of my favorite parts of the meeting. I'm not sure what damage this caused or what the reason for removing it from the program, but I sincerely miss it.

2) Closely tied to #1, the program no longer gives out tokens for sobriety landmarks. Small tokens were given out such as a CTR ring for 30 days, a tie tack for 90 days, a plaque for 180 days, and a painting of the savior for one year. Again, for those of us who are addicts, seeing ourselves as being worth celebrating is very difficult. We often see ourselves as not worthy of any praise. These small tokens meant a lot, and it's a shame they are no longer allowed.

3) This one is the issue I have struggled with the most. We are no longer allowed to introduce ourselves as "Recovering addicts from pornography" (or sexual sins, or lust, or anything else specific). We must only say "I am a recovering addict". My issue here is simple. For many of us biggest gain we get from going to these meetings is removing the shame we feel about our addiction. We see that there is hope of recovery. Removing that shame is a crucial part of recovery. Now, it seems that the recovery meetings are basically telling us that we should be ashamed of the type of addict we are, so ashamed that we aren't even allowed to say it in a group of other addicts.

There. I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

Ups and Downs

2011-07-28T14:01:00.000-06:00

I've struggled lately, with a lot of things. I slipped up a few months ago. It wasn't a big slip up, until I compounded it by not being honest about it. Instead I tried to sweep it under the rug and hope no one, especially my wife, wouldn't find out. I don't know how long it will take me to learn that this method doesn't work, and is in fact very damaging. But apparently I haven't learned the lesson yet.

The trouble with this kind of dishonesty is that the lying probably hurts my wife more than the actual acting out. Just as important, I can't really regain my focus on recovery until I am being honest about my sobriety days and what I've done. So I'm held back in the two areas of my life that need the most work. My relationship with my wife, and my efforts to gain recovery from my addiction to pornography.

That is the down side. Still struggling with both recovery and sobriety, and still struggling with honesty.

The good side. When my wife confronted me with what she knew, it caused some really deep reflection on my part. Instead of insisting I was "doing better" I tried to honestly look at where I was in relation to recovery. This wasn't pleasant. The truth is painful. Over the last 12 months I have regressed. However, returning to Step 1 and admitting honestly where I am is the first step to getting better.

So now I feel on an upward slope. Gaining some ground and feeling better about myself.

It seems to be an endless roller coaster.

One day at a time.

Fulfilling Our Duty

2011-02-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are blessings just for showing up.

This morning was General Priesthood meeting in our stake. Started at 7:00 AM, and while I wake up early nearly every morning, for some reason this morning it was extremely difficult to wake up and go. Even after I showered I wanted to crawl back in bed.

But through it all one thought kept running through my head:

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33

I need a lot of things "added unto" me. Not the least of which is a healing from an addiction that threatens to destroy my life. But as the scripture says, it's my job to seek the kingdom of God first. And laying in bed on a cold winters morning, when my duty was to be in a meeting, is definitely not putting the kingdom of God first in my life.

So I braved the winter storm and I went.

I wish I could say I was greatly inspired and the meeting contained the keys to happiness for the rest of my life. It was a good meeting, but nothing particularly stood out. But as I set here this morning I feel a calm and a peace, simply because I showed up when I was supposed to.

Baby steps.

Life is Busy

2011-02-06T10:30:00.001-07:00

My life is extremely busy right now. Between a demanding job, kids, family, marriage, and school, my wife and I do not lack for ways to spend our time. This may sound like a complaint, but as I think about it, I don't think it is.

For an addict like myself, I think busy is good. Keeping my time occupied is fulfilling and productive. Being productive is the complete opposite of acting out in addiction. When I'm acting out, I am destroying rather than producing. So when I am being productive and active, it gives me a natural high rather than the chemical 'fake' high I get from pornography.

Still, there are some challenges that come with being so busy. There are activities which I know will benefit me that are hard to fit in. Exercise, writing, spending time on recovery efforts all fall into this category. Not to mention that I enjoy cooking and wish I had the time to cook more healthy foods for our family.

Add on to all of that the simple fact that a strong marriage takes a lot of quality time together. When a marriage has been damaged the way ours has, it takes even more time. This is time I freely want to give. I want to do what it takes to build our marriage. But again, it's easy for the busyness of life to overwhelm even our best intentions in that regard.

So I am trying to manage my time wisely and with the guidance of the spirit. I don't always do it right, in fact I may be wrong more than I am right. But as a classic addict, the one thing I need to avoid is getting down on myself because things don't always go perfect.

I wake up everyday early, and I try to be as productive as possible, and for not...that feels like the right approach.

Lessons of Travel

2011-01-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

I have a job which requires a fair amount of travel. I actually enjoy traveling, I like seeing new cities and I love spending time with clients. However, many of my mistakes have been while I have been on the road. It seems that the down time, combined with being away from home just adds up to serious issues for me.

Naturally this causes great concern from my wife whenever I have to travel, to the point that it becomes difficult for us to even really talk about my travel.

Well, I am on another trip now. I know it's hard for her. And I also know travel has been hard for me in the past. The last thing I want to do right now is make a mistake. Sobriety stands at 32 days, and feels great.

So what lessons am I learning which will help me on this trip? Well, first of all, I am recognizing that this is a time of weakness. I prayed to my Father in Heaven as I drove this morning, specifically asking for strength over the next three days. Acknowledging that I am weak, and asking him for the strength that I do not have.

Amazing things happen when I recognize my weakness and ask Him for strength. He blesses me. He strengthens me. He helps me feel his love.

So here I am, in a hotel room, feeling the love of the Lord and the support of my wife. And you know what? I feel like a clear thinking, rational, non-insane person. I feel like someone who can actually travel and not have it turn into some porn watching binge. Is this how normal people feel?

All I do know is, today has been a good day. And tomorrow morning I will wake up, acknowledge my powerlessness, turn my will over to my Savior, and ask Him for strength one more day.

Exercise

2011-01-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

I don't handle stress well.

Maybe you are saying "Yeah, neither do I". But I really REALLY don't handle stress well.

As in, when things turn stressful I often turn to images and chats that go completely against everything I believe. These actions have nearly destroyed my life. For 26 years I have medicated my stress to a point of numbness with sexual imagery.

So as part of recovery I have had to learn basic stress coping skills. One of the most effective that I have found is exercise.

Because I get our kids ready for school in the morning, I have to get up at 5:00 AM if I want to exercise. This fact has held me back for a long time, even though I know how much I benefit mentally when I exercise regularly.

Rather than use this as an excuse, I have decided that this year I need to make it happen. Ever since the first of the year I have got up 5 days a week, including Saturday, to exercise. And you know what? It works. I feel more fresh mentally. I feel better able to cope with stress. I feel healthier and happier.

Exercise doesn't solve all my problems, but right now it is a key to the mental stability I need to deal with all of the difficulties my actions have caused.

Life

2011-01-24T11:11:00.001-07:00

Life goes on, and it's going fairly well. I stand at 26 days of sobriety.

Recovery is an interesting thing. It can consumer my life, and yet I have to continue to live life as well. Things are extremely busy in our family. Our kids are active with a lot of activities. Work is busy for me and my wife. I am going back to school to finish up some of that work. All of it adds up to not a lot of free time.

In addition to that, I am trying to exercise every day. Plus, I have an incredible wife and I am trying to work on that relationship. So at times it feels like recovery work can take a back seat. One of the things I am not good at is balance. Right now I am trying to figure out the correct balance in my life.

I'm not discouraged, and in fact I feel like many areas of my life are going well, including my spiritual life and my recovery. But I have failed in recovery so many times, that it becomes easy for me to question what I am doing.

I need to hit this weird combination of living life without stressing about the addiction every minute, and focusing enough on recovery to make the progress I need to make.

It's not easy. But then, real growth is never easy right?

Marriage and Pornography Addiction

2011-01-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

Addiction is tough on a marriage. That is a pretty obvious statement I'm sure, but until you are in the middle of trying to recover from an addiction and repair a marriage, I don't know if you can understand just how much pain an addiction causes. And a sexual addiction only increases the strain and stress on a relationship.

Why is addiction, and sexual addiction in particular, so painful and devastating to a marriage? Some reasons are obvious, some perhaps are not. I put some thought into this question and from my experience, here are a few answers.

1) The feeling of being cheated on
Even though in many pornography addictions there is no actual physical acting out with another person, the feeling of infidelity is the same. Spouses of addicts feel as if their mate is going outside their marriage for sexual satisfaction. These feelings can be just as real as if their spouse had an affair, and just as painful.

2) Dishonesty
Addiction nearly always brings with it half truths, deceptions, and outright lying. Eventually a spouse gets lied to so often that they start to question everything the addict says. They wonder if anything the addict has ever said is true, including "I love you".

3) Emotional Immaturity
I can't speak for all addicts, but I know for me, and for many, the addiction developed at a young age. It replaced many of the productive strategies youth learn to develop meaningful emotional relationships. Instead of developing these skills, I was too busy building "relationships" with porn. I did not learn to share my emotions, or even deal with them. In a marriage, these emotional skills are crucial to developing intimacy. Being married to someone who lacks these skills can be a very lonely place.

4) Emotional Distance
Closely related to #3 is the fact that whenever the addict is tied up in planning to act out, or thinking about acting out, or acting out, or fantasizing about the chance to act out, they almost always withdraw emotionally. This can cause a difficult roller coaster affect, where the spouse wonders what happened. Things in the marriage were going well, and suddenly their spouse withdraws for seemingly no reason.

5) The Need to be Supportive
This is one of the more subtle strains that an addiction puts on a marriage, but also one of the most difficult. Addicts need support, it is one the most crucial aspects to recovery. Some of the best support comes from the people love the addict the most. Nobody is in a better position to support and build up the addict than their spouse. Yet, the spouse is also generally the one who is the most hurt by acting out. It's nearly impossible to be supportive of an addicts recovery, when their acting out cuts so deeply. This causes great strain on a relationship, where the spouse feels like they want to support, but is emotionally unable to because of the pain. And the addict knows the pains they have caused, yet needs the unconditional support of their spouse.

6) A Feeling of Inadequacy
No matter how much a spouse understands in their mind that they did not cause, nor can they stop, an addiction, the feelings of not being good enough are nearly impossible to suppress. A sexual addiction can cause the spouse to feel unattractive, not good enough, too out of shape, and a million other negative feelings.

I'm sure this list is not exhaustive, but I do think it covers much of the pain caused by an addiction in marriage.

How to solve all of these issues? Well...if you know, I hope you'll tell me. Because they are not easy problems to solve. But I do know that it takes a concerted effort and a lot of thoughtfulness.

My Story Part 4

2011-01-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

Part 4

After my experience with romance novels, my cravings were nearly constant. At the time I was 11-13 years old. In all honesty, I don't think I even understood what I was reading. I didn't know what the sexual act even was at the time. I just knew that I was excited by what I was reading, and that I couldn't get enough.

This part of my life is when I can start to identify "insane" behaviors. If I had a couple of hours alone, I would hop on my little one speed bike and ride 10 miles to the store where I knew I cold find this type of book. I remember riding through rain and snow storms just to get a little fix. It was a long ride on my small legs, yet I would make it whenever I thought I could get away with it.

This is when I can remember the beginnings of my lying as well. I would make up elaborate stories to get a few hours on my own in order to look at magazines or books with sexual content. The magazines weren't even that explicit, but in my young hormone driven body the excitement level was something I could not deal with.

It's interesting to look back now. I was an honest kid, one who tried to do what is right. I willingly went to church, listened to what I was taught, and believed it. I wanted to live the teaching of Christ. And yet with but one or two exposures to sexual content, I suddenly lost control of many items I knew were wrong.

I wasn't a lying kid, and yet in order to look at more exciting books, I began to lie. All the time. I can even remember the feelings of shame and guilt in these times. Sexual content completely changed my approach to what I would and would not do.

It's a bit scary to remember just how quickly my ethical decisions changed. Obviously I didn't see it at the time, but I can see it clearly now. And the habit of lying and deception has proven extremely difficult to overcome ever since.

False Beliefs

2011-01-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

I recently finished reading Treating Pornography Addiction by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner. It's a terrific book, with many thought provoking ideas about recovering from a sexual addiction.

He spends a lot of time talking about the false beliefs which enable an addiction. Dr. Skinner discusses the fact that while buried in the addictive cycle, it is our false beliefs which allow us to give in to the addiction. These false beliefs play directly in to the addicted part of the brain. Combine them with the extremely strong cravings of addiction, and it is a recipe for disaster.

In the book, he asks the addicts to analyze their false beliefs. This analysis starts with recognizing what they are.

So here is my effort to identify a number of my false beliefs regarding my addiction, both in my life in general, and when the desire to act out has become very strong.

False Beliefs

1) I cannot over come this addiction, it is too ingrained in me and there is no way out.
2) The damage done if I act out this time will not be THAT bad.
3) I won't get caught and I will be able to keep acting out a secret.
4) Acting out is the only way to ease the pain that I feel.
5) I will feel better after I act out.
6) There is a "secret formula" to recovery.
7) I do not need to reach out to others when I struggle.
8) If others see me as I really am, they will reject me.
9) I can get by with minimal effort.
10) Sharing my emotions is too dangerous.
11) If I've come this far into thinking about acting out, I can't stop now, it's inevitable that I will get online.

In a subsequent post I will try to break some of these beliefs down, and see what reality is.

Words of Inspiration From Strange Places

2011-01-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that Eminem of all people would give me words that inspire me to overcome:

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today,
I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm man enough, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, no I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together
Through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

Moving On

2011-01-16T10:07:00.002-07:00

It has been an up and down couple of weeks.

On the positive side, I have remained sober. My current sobriety count is at 18 days. This is really not a surprise, after a serious relapse I generally am able to go for a month or so without much temptation. Still, 18 days feels good.

If you've never dealt with an addiction, it may be hard to understand just how good even one day of not falling prey to the destruction in your life can feel. But certainly for me, after a couple of weeks of living without pornography, my thinking starts to come back together. I feel a little more productive, a little more unselfish, a little more clear-minded. In a word, I guess, I feel a little more sane.

But then there is the other side. The fact is, addictive behavior is destructive. It wreaks havoc in the lives of the addict, and the people who are close to him. My last relapse caused severe damage in my personal life. Trying to repair that damage, while also trying to work on the self-care recovery requires is a balancing act that at times feels beyond me.

And yet, here I am. 18 days sober, with a great love for my wife and a desire to heal the damage I have done in her life. The faith that through the Savior my life, and hers, can be healed is what keeps me going. And right now, that hope feels more powerful than any of the difficulties which are on this path.

So I keep walking, every day trying to take the actions that lead from insanity to sanity.

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-02T11:34:00.002-07:00

I really only have two this year.

1. Staying sober from pornography the entire year
2. Working to repair the damage to the relationship with my wife

How are goals achieved?

By taking action daily which leads towards accomplishing the goal. You don't lose weight by starving yourself for 24 hours, you lose it by changing your daily actions to fit a healthy lifestyle.

So to accomplish my goals, it's a daily commitment to these two things. I have to live in recovery every day, and I have to be unselfish and loving with my wife every day.

One day at a time.

My First Attempt at Poetry

2010-12-31T14:35:00.001-07:00

Light

Dark and dreary
Not knowing where to turn
Hollow and empty
It’s hard not to feel alone
Yet, there in the tunnel
Is a small shimmering light
I approach it with caution
Not daring to hope
Unable to run
Not feeling much strength
Moving my feet seems out of reach
Yet the light shines in front of me
And the one thing I know
I must discover it’s source
So slowly I move
Until pain shoots through my body
But move I must
Eternity passes
The light glimmers closer
Drawing my gaze
Suddenly beams break apart
I am blinded and slam shut my eyes
Was I deceived all along
Was it only an illusion
Trembling I open my eyes
Wondering if I can go on without the light
Only to find
It wasn’t one light
But many
Shining brightly in the dark
The people who love me
And want me to break free
The Savior who died for me
Shining brightest of all
So I move my feet forward again
A little bit faster now
With a glimmer of hope
Instilled in my heart

Fruits

2010-12-30T14:36:00.002-07:00

So after relapsing, and while dealing with the terrible feelings that come with slipping back into an addiction that is slowly destroying my life, I have been thinking about fruits.

I'm talking about the metaphorical fruits the scriptures mention again and again.

When I am thinking clearly, like I am right now, it's pretty easy to see what the fruits of my actions are.

When I act out in the addiction it brings nothing but pain, sorry, and self-doubt. Not only to me but to all those around me.

When I act righteously, stay in recovery, and live the gospel, I bring happiness, peace and calm. Along with a degree of self-confidence that the addiction destroys.

So why is that so hard to see during times I am struggling with addiction? How can it possibly seem like a good idea to do things that I know will destroy my happiness? It seems so completely crazy. There hasn't been one time that looking at pornography has brought me lasting peace and happiness. Not once. Yet I turn to it again and again.

I wish I understood it. If a tree gave off rotten apples I'd only have take a bit of one once to learn never to eat from that tree again. Yet I continually turn back to my addiction.

Well...at least today I'm thinking clearly about this. And today is the day that matters.

Messed Up

2010-12-29T16:36:00.002-07:00

I relapsed.

It's hard to say that. And it is hard to set the clock back to zero days, but that is reality.

Being an addict to pornography is such a crazy thing. It's almost impossible to describe how terrible I feel when I relapse. Yet, all of these feelings are brought about by decisions I freely choose. It doesn't make any sense to myself, let alone to those around me.

So here I am. With 20 hours of sobriety. Trying to understand how to put my life back together. Perhaps the biggest challenge is. My wife is broken too. She's broken because of the pain my decisions bring.

Now we are trying to work on our marriage, and trying to help each other heal, while both being damaged. That is a difficult thing to do.

For the next while I think this blog will be more personal, and more about my personal battle to recover. I'll see if the writing helps.

Crossing the Delaware

2010-09-28T09:32:00.000-06:00

On Christmas Day 1776, George Washington camped with his troops on the shores of the Delaware River. The war had started with great promise. The tenaciousness of Bunker Hill. A victory in Boston. The signing of the Declaration of Independence. The fledgling nation had held high hopes. Since then, the revolutionary effort had been full of defeat and despair. Driven out of New York, nearly destroyed at Fort Washington and pushed across New Jersey, the army was weary of defeat. General Washington's immediate problems were numerous. His troops had been reduced by nearly 90%. Of the 6400 men he did have left, 1/3 were too sick to participate in offensive action. His next two highest ranking Generals were ignoring his commands, attempting to make a case to take over as Commander in Chief themselves. Food, clothing and shelter were scarce and the winter was ruthlessly cold. Many of his men were from New England, and they bristled at the thought of following a Virginian they viewed as uppity. Desertions were an epidemic. Topping it off, the enlistment of the majority of his men expired on Dec. 31. Considering the rampant low morale, it seemed as if his entire army would walk out the day they had the opportunity.

In the face of these challenges, George Washington had two choices. He could sit in camp, wait for better weather and hope for the best, or he could make a bold move designed not only to put his enemy off guard, but to lift the spirits of his fledgling country. He chose the hard path. On the night of Dec. 25, he led his men across the Delaware River. A blowing ice and sleet storm stalled the other two divisions of the army, but Washington pushed his troops across the ice strewn river by the sheer force of his will. Landing on the opposite bank at 3:00 AM, knowing his plan for a three way attack had failed, his conviction never wavered. He led his men into battle and routed the army of Hessians camped nearby. This victory was followed by success in Princeton and the defeat of the British forces occupying New Jersey. The spirit of the new country was lifted, the troops morale skyrocketed and reenlistment was nearly unanimous. George Washington's courage to cross amid the ice of the Delaware River changed the face of a bleak situation, and kick started the spirit of patriotism of the country which would become the United States of America. On the night of Dec. 25, George Washington chose to do the hard thing, and it made all the difference.

What's my Delaware River?

What's yours?

What is that one hard thing that if done, will make all the difference. I know in making difficult changes, in particular overcoming addiction, there are often really difficult steps. Steps such as openly admitting and confessing our weakness, or going to an Addiction Recovery meeting, or apologizing to a person we've hurt. Often, however, these steps are the very steps which will propel us to make lasting change.

Is there something out there holding you back? Is there something that you just don't think you can do, yet you know would have a huge impact on your desired change?

Maybe it's a good time to take a lesson from our first President...and cross your Delaware.

The Fight for Agency

2010-09-26T20:00:00.000-06:00

There are many kinds of addictions, and it is difficult for someone who has one of these serious addictions to change because some of them are mind-altering. A recent article on addiction said, “In the brains of addicts, there is reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, where rational thought can override impulse behavior.” Some addictions can control us to the point where they take away our God-given agency. - James E Faust - Ensign, Nov. 2007

In the pre-mortal life we learn that we all fought a battle with Satan. There was one principle reason for this battle...free agency. At that point, I thought gaining my agency was important enough to side with my Savior and fight the powers of Satan.

Now here on this earth, I seem to be re-fighting that same battle. Addiction takes away my agency. I become a slave to the addiction and lose the ability to choose rationally. My battle to recover really is a battle against Satan for my agency. The same battle I fought all that time ago.

And the victory will come in the same way. By siding with my Savior.

It's interesting how Satan attacks agency so forcefully. Addiction, drugs, alcohol. All of these seem to have a way of taking away our ability to choose rationally. It's also interesting how through misuse of this precious agency...we can lose all that we fought so valiantly for.

In my mind now, I often consider how I willingly gave that agency up with choice after poor choice. And now I have to regain it with choice after wise choice...each of which involves leaning completely on my Savior.

It is a glorious blessing each time I realize that I truly can choose...and then I choose freedom through righteous choices.

Making Change Easy

2010-09-23T14:20:00.001-06:00

The title of this post is meant to be ironic...change is never easy. But sometimes we make it harder than it needs to be.

I enjoy running. With the busy schedule I have, it's often hard to find the time to run. In order to get a jog in, I generally have to do it very early in the morning. There is only one problem with this plan...waking up early is HARD.

I've learned something about myself. If I get everything...and I mean EVERYTHING ready for the run the night before, it's much more likely I will get up and run. If I lay my running clothes out, get a sports drink in the fridge, get my iPod ready, even having the right song cued up, have my watch ready, and in general prepare in every way possible, then I am launching myself to a greater chance of success.

Sometimes we think in order to make a change it needs to be all will power. But I think the opposite is true. The less we have to rely on will power, the better chance the change will stick. The more preparation we can do...the easier we make it to change...the better off we will be when the going gets tough (like when the alarm goes off at 5:00 AM).

How does this apply to more spiritual changes, such as recovering from addiction?

I've found if I put some boundaries in place, I have a much easier chance of staying away from pornography. I can do things such as putting my home computer in a public place, having internet restrictions on my mobile phone, or using a tracking service such as Covenant Eyes.

None of these items are "the cure" to my addiction. The cure is healing by my Savior Jesus Christ and my reliance on him.

However, each of these things make it easier to change. They help me rely less on will power. And for me, this change is hard enough already.

My Story - Part 3

2010-09-21T13:52:00.001-06:00

Acting out

As I have earlier described, I spent a good part of my younger years battling thoughts that were not clean. I wish I understood better where those thoughts came from, but even after deep contemplation I cannot locate their source. However, they were the stepping stone to my next behavior.

In the 80's there were not the avenues to seek sexual material the way there is now. I couldn't get online and find pornography. Growing up in Utah County I couldn't go to the magazine rack and find a Playboy. But I did find my "pornography" in romance novels. Yep that's right, romance novels.

I would go to the store with my mom, and tell her that rather than shop, I wanted to go to the magazine rack and look at the sports magazines. I was obsessed with sports, so this little lie fit in perfectly. I would then locate the romance novel with the steamiest cover, and look for a sex scene. It took several efforts to find a scene that excited me. However, once I did it left an incredible impression on me.

How do I know it left such an impression? To this day, 20+ years later, I not only remember the name of the book, but the exact page number in which I found the scene. That day I got a hit of a drug so strong, that this many years later, I am still trying to overcome my bodies desire for it.

That drug has destroyed a marriage, and left a path of destruction through my life which is strewn with carnage. And now, my biggest desire is to live a life completely without that drug.

It is through my faith in Jesus Christ that i will be healed from an addiction that has lasted through all of those many years.

Destruction

2010-09-19T20:06:00.005-06:00

I read this article today about the affect of pornography on wives, and it absolutely broke my heart.

I am in love with my wife. Completely and totally in love with her.

And yet every emotion described in that article is an emotion she has felt due to my acting out in my addiction.

I believe there is a difference between shame/guilt and godly sorrow. It's easy for me to feel guilt and beat myself up my actions.

But when I think about the pain I have caused my wife, what I feel is a deep sorrow. This is a woman I love, who has had to suffer incredibly acute pain because of my choices.

True godly sorrow leads to change. And when I contemplate the destruction my choices have caused, it leads me to desire to turn myself to my Savior completely and totally, and do whatever he requires of me to heal my life, and my families lives.

Perhaps only those who have been in my position can understand the complex feelings that come from acting completely counter to how they feel. I believe that many men who live in pornography addiction truly love their wives. We would jump into a freezing cold river to save her. We would protect her life by giving up their own.

...and yet, in moments of weakness, we can't stop ourselves from behavior which brings her world crashing down.

That is the devastation of addiction. It destroys the wife...and it destroys the addict.

But their is great hope. Hope in Jesus Christ. He wants nothing more than to heal those painful wounds. And he can.

My Story - Part 2

2010-09-17T06:39:00.002-06:00

(I'm not really sure how I feel about telling my story...this is a long and painful journey. But my heart is telling me to write it down for two reasons. First, because there may be some therapy in it for me, and second, because maybe someone out there can relate and learn from my pain. I don't know if this will be as much a narrative as a brain dump of events. To start at the beginning of my story, click here.)

Part 2 - Confession
I guess confession might be a weird place to pick up this story, but these events had a powerful impact on my life. About the time I was 11 I watched a couple of movies at a sleep over party that I knew I shouldn't have. Based on some of the thoughts I had been having, these movies excited me, but they also shamed me. I knew it was not the kind of thing I wanted to have in my life.

I carried these actions with me for a long period of time. They hung in my heart and cast a shadow across so much of my life. I just couldn't stop thinking about I had watched and how I needed to repent of it.

I learned during this time about the act of confession as part of repentance. In my heart I knew I had to confess what I had done. But then that thought which has haunted me for the past 20+ years came into my mind.

"You CAN'T tell anyone what you've done. If you tell them they will hate you, they will think you are a terrible person, they will shame you. You simply have to keep it secret".

I can't count how many times I have told myself that during my struggle with addiction. Unfortunately, I have listened to that message many times.

But this time, as an 11 year old, I finally got the courage to tell my mom as I was in bed one night. She listened to me, she talked to me, she told me she loved me, and she gave me a hug.

I wish I could say that night turned around my life. Unfortunately, as my story goes on you'll see that it didn't. However, I learned a valuable lesson that night. Confession is an act of humility which is necessary for repentance, necessary to have a clear conscience, and can lead to an outpouring of love.

I was not rejected by my mom because I told her that night, I was loved. I have had many times since then where I have known confession was the required step. Those times have never been easy, and many times I have not taken that step like I should. But I've never forgotten the lesson I learned that night that confession leads to peace.

Mosiah 26:29
... and if he confess his sins before thee and me, and repenteth in the sincerity of his heart, him shall ye forgive, and I will forgive him also.

Drop the Rope

2010-09-15T13:12:00.000-06:00

In 2003 Rick Moody gave a talk entitled: For Ecclesiastical Leaders, Family, and Friends: Supporting Those Who Struggle With Sexual Compulsions.

In that talk he gave a metaphor which has been powerful for me as I think about recovery. He talked about picturing my struggle as a tug-of-war with a monster. I pull and pull as hard as I can, putting as much resistance on the rope as possible, but the monster keeps pulling also. As I fight, I am slowly pulled towards the pit which seperates us, and no matter how hard I fight, eventually I get pulled into the deep dark abyss of relapse.

Bro. Moody says that rather than fight and fight a losing battle, what I really need to do is drop the rope and walk away.

How does this apply to me?

I spend so much time fighting the addiction. I despise every sexual thought I have. I sing a million hymns and quote a thousand scriptures trying to get these thoughts out of my head. I tell myself I "cannot think that"... and I battle to clear my mind of it. I white knuckle my way through situations where temptation feels so strong I can't breathe. And often I end up losing the battle.

So how do I drop the rope?

I guess maybe that is the real question, and I'm not sure I have an answer to that question completely. But I do think that focusing my life on other pursuits is a good start.

Perhaps a concerted effort to build my marriage and get closer to my family.

Maybe an exercise program designed to lift my health and my spirits.

Or a program of service to help others.

This blog acts a bit as an outlet for me that leads to recovery, but hopefully isn't obsessed with a constant fight against addiction.

What I do get from this metaphor is a desire to set my sights on what is good, and what is uplifting, and what is encouraging, rather than spending all of my time fighting against the evil that seems to invade my life.

I can drop the rope. I can let it go, and spend my efforts pursuing righteousness and a relationship with my Savior.

My Story - Part 1

2010-09-13T14:25:00.001-06:00

(I'm not really sure how I feel about telling my story...this is a long and painful journey. But my heart is telling me to write it down for two reasons. First, because there may be some therapy in it for me, and second, because maybe someone out there can relate and learn from my pain. I don't know if this will be as much a narrative as a brain dump of events. To start at the beginning of my story, click here.)

Part 1

When I hear people talk about what lead them into a pornography or sexual addiction, there is often a specific event. For some it is something traumatic such as sexual abuse. For others it is a particular sleepover where they were introduced to pornography, or an uncle who thought they should "see the world" and showed them something pornographic. I have searched and searched my mind, but I cannot remember a single event which led me down this path.

I remember very clearly taking long road trips in the car with my parents. I would often lay on the floor, or lay down in the backseat and try to sleep. My brother was much better at falling asleep in the car than I was, and he was also older than me, so I would get crammed into a small space and would make every effort to sleep away the long hours. About the age of 9 or 10 I started thinking thoughts while I was in this stage. Dirty thoughts. I can't remember exactly what they were, or what even led me to those type of thoughts. But they were there at a young age, and they were real.

There was a time when I heard a primary lesson or a talk in church, or maybe even a Family Home Evening, which talked about controlling your thoughts. I felt the impact of that lesson deep in my heart, and I knew that I needed to stop thinking these thoughts, these early 'fantasies".

So I did. For a time. But for some reason I didn't keep that control, and about a year later I started thinking those same thoughts. In some ways it is very odd to me. We were very careful in my house about what we watched on TV. I wasn't reading anything sexual. What led me to those thoughts? I really don't know, but they were real. And if I analyze my life carefully, they were the beginning of a long and painful road that has led me to being a 39 year old sex addiction who continues to destroy his own life and the life of others.

Alma 12:14
...and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.

Peace and Sin

2010-09-12T17:11:00.003-06:00

One of the most difficult parts of living in addiction, or living in sin of any of it's forms, is the lack of peace in life.

Over the past six years I have been actively seeking recovery from my addiction to pornography and other sexual sins. (The 20 years before that I was living in addiction without really trying to overcome it). During those six years I have had several stretches of 60-180 days of sobriety. When I am living a clean life, free of pornography, I feel such peace in my daily life. I wake up without an ache in my heart. I feel no fear of getting caught. I take the Sacrament with my head held high. I pray and feel close to my Savior. My heart is at peace.

When I am acting out in my addiction...when I am sinning...I feel the opposite. I feel turmoil and pain. I feel constant fear that I will be caught or that I will just have to admit to my failings. I feel like a failure in nearly all aspects of my life.

Living a life without peace is very difficult. In fact, after having experienced so much pain, I would have to say that peace is one of the greatest gifts of the Spirit and of the atonement.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

When I have relapsed, along with all the pain of letting myself, my savior, my wife, and my family down. The loss of that peace is one of most difficult aspects. Peace is a true blessing from my Savior. And it comes from living the commandments and serving others.

Capturing - Part 1

2010-03-22T06:17:00.005-06:00

For a description of capturing, see here.

From the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program Guide Book - Page v

We have known great sorrow, but we have seen the power of the Savior turn our most devastating defeats into glorious victories.

Anyone who has suffered from addiction can relate to sections of this sentence. I know what great sorrow feels like. I know what devastating defeats feel like. In fact, devastating defeats is the perfect description of many of my relapses. Time after time I have worked to stay sober. Time after time I have felt success and peace as the Lord blesses me with a slowly changing heart. And time after time I have felt completely and utterly devastated when I fall yet again.

But, I think I am focusing on the wrong part of this sentence (as my character weakness of self-pity would want me to do). The great part of this sentence is the victory. These people have experienced victory in the atonement of Jesus Christ. They have felt the sorrow and pain I have felt and have come out on the other side with a tremendous victory in Christ. That is a powerful message of hope.

We who once lived with daily depression, anxiety, fear, and debilitating anger now experience joy and peace.

Once again I love the contrast of this sentence. I have felt all of the emotions in this sentence. I know how painful it is to live in addiction. I've done it for 24 years. It brings on feelings that I can't escape. It makes me feel worthless and useless. More than that, it makes me feel like a tool of destruction. I feel like every relationship I build is destroyed by my actions.

There I go again, finding it easier to focus on the negative than the positive. What is the real message of this sentence? That there is joy and peace out there to be enjoyed. I have felt that too. Anytime I turn to the Lord and experience a period of righteousness, I feel calm in my life. I feel peace. And there is no feeling greater than the gift of peace from my Savior when I am making efforts to live His way.

We have witnessed miracles in our own lives and in the lives of others who were ensnared in addiction.

That is what I need...a miracle. But you know what? A miracle is what is out there waiting for me. It's happened to others. In fact, I believe it happens to every single person who will truly humble themselves before the Lord and turn their live and will over to Him. It is this miracle of healing that I ask the Lord for every day, and this miracle of healing that keeps me going in the face of the devastating defeats.

I believe in the miracle of healing from my Savior Jesus Christ. That faith, no matter how wavering it is at times, keeps me getting up every time I fall.

Thought to Ponder

2010-03-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

With the help of the Holy Ghost, we can watch over ourselves. We can pray to recognize and reject the first thoughts of sin. We can pray to recognize a warning not to speak words which would hurt or tempt someone else. And we can, when we must, pray for the humility and the faith to repent.

There will surely be some who hear my voice who will have this thought come into their minds: “But the temptations are too great for me. I have resisted as long as I can. For me, the commandments are too hard. The standard is too high.”
That is not so. The Savior is our Advocate with the Father. He knows our weaknesses. He knows how to succor those who are tempted.

- Henry B. Eyring, Ensign May 2006

Thought to Ponder

2010-03-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Any kind of addiction inflicts a terrible price in pain and suffering, and it can even affect us spiritually. However, there is hope because most addictions can over time be overcome. We can change, but it will be difficult.

A complete change in lifestyle may be necessary. We must desire with all our hearts, minds, and strength to overcome these harmful addictions. We must be prepared to renounce totally and absolutely our participation in any of these addictive substances or practices.
- James E. Faust, Ensign Nov. 2007

Progress Matters

2010-03-03T09:52:00.002-07:00

Recovering from addiction is often seen as black and white. We count days of sobriety with acute attention to detail. We talk about our last relapse and work every single day to avoid the next. In many ways that is as it should be. After all, the goal of recovery is to remove this addiction from our lives completely.

But I think an important point can often be missed:

Progress Matters

In my efforts to recover, I have suffered through many relapses. They are always painful. They also seem to be the end of the world at the time. My thoughts are a jumbled mess of "How could this happen...I've been trying so hard...I've done everything the Lord asks...how could I possibly be back HERE."

But with the passage of some time, and a lot of prayer and (forced) humility, I begin to understand that I am not BACK anywhere. In fact, I am far from where I used to be. Even in my relapse I see differences. Rather than hiding my actions, I go to a recovery meeting and admit what I've done. Rather than letting the cycle drag me down into months of acting out, I allow the Lord to pull me back up and start moving forward again.

If I look at where I am now compared to where I was four years ago, two things are abundantly clear. First, I have a lot of work to do to be where I want to be. Second, I have come a LONG way from where I was.

Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I am progressing. But it is the very progress that I make every day, the progress which builds my testimony and strengthens my faith, that is driving my recovery.

No matter the change you are trying to make in your life, you will nearly always have setbacks. You will yell at your kids after promising you wouldn't. You will drink that Cherry Coke after swearing off soda. You will not wake up as early as you committed. When you do, the temptation will be to feel like a failure. To say to yourself "I can't do this, why did I even bother trying." But before the frustration sets in, take just a second and think about where you are. If you are honest with yourself, you will likely see that you are far from where you were. You will see something to build on.

Remember...Progress Matters.

Thought to Ponder

2010-03-02T15:46:00.001-07:00

How do we decide where our repentance should be focused? When a loved one or friend suggests things we need to change, the natural man in us sometimes pops up his head and responds, “Oh, you think I should change? Well, let me tell you about some of your problems.” A better approach is to humbly petition the Lord: “Father, what wouldst Thou have me do?” The answers come. We feel the changes we need to make. The Lord tells us in our mind and in our heart.

- Neil L. Andersen, Ensign, Nov. 2009

The 10 Lost Years

2010-03-01T09:15:00.003-07:00

As part of my recovery I attend LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery meetings. These meetings are a safe place to honestly share my thoughts and feelings with others suffering from addiction, and also to hear their successes and trials.

After one particularly powerful meeting, I was talking to one of my friends from the group. We were pondering some of opportunities we had lost due to being so caught up in addictive behaviors. We discussed the time wasted, the relationships that we never developed, the goals we could have accomplished. Near the end of our discussion, he verbalized the thought we both had in our mind.

"Oh if I could only have those ten years back"

I would imagine most recovering addicts know exactly what he meant by that. There was so much we could have accomplished if we hadn't been spending all our time, energy, and thought to fulfill our insane cravings.

But then it hit me...those ten years might be gone, but the next ten were still in front of me. While I can't change what happened over the past decade, I can change what will happen in the next. The real tragedy would looking back in ten years and saying "Oh, if I could only have those years back."

Isn't that true of any change we want to make? It's easy to beat ourselves up for past failures.

...Oh if I had only started exercising years ago

...Oh if I had only read the scriptures more with my family

...Oh if I had only spend more time with my kids

What has happened in the past can't be changed, but the real issue is, what we will do with the future? Will I work today to overcome addiction? Will I work today to be kinder, give more service, love more, control my temper?

Or will I look back next year and say "Oh, if I only..."

Thought of the Day

2010-02-28T18:12:00.001-07:00

It is not possible to make real change all by ourselves. Our own willpower and our own good intentions are not enough. When we make mistakes or choose poorly, we must have the help of our Savior to get back on track. We partake of the sacrament week after week to show our faith in His power to change us. We confess our sins and promise to forsake them.
When our best efforts are not quite enough, it is through His grace that we receive the strength to keep trying. The Lord says: "If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
- Julie Beck, Ensign, May 2007

Change

2010-02-27T17:51:00.003-07:00

I write a lot about overcoming addiction to pornography, because that is the challenge I am fighting in my life. But as I think about change, I think maybe the entire purpose of our lives is to change. To change from letting the natural man rule our decisions to turning our life and will over to our Savior.

Change is hard. Just ask anyone who has tried to lose weight...or start an exercise program...or start waking up earlier...or stop losing their temper...or stop procrastinating. Why is change so hard, and how can we make changes that stick?

I don't have all the answers.

I do think I would like to study change more and gain a better understanding.

For now I will leave two thoughts.

1) It is through the atonement of Jesus Christ that our greatest and most powerful changes come. When we learn to rely on him and allow him to change us, we find great success.

2) Notwithstanding #1, there are practical lessons that can teach us how to make successful change. In many ways I think it falls on us to understand how to practically change our lives, and then rely on the Lord to help us achieve that change.

It is that familiar refrain. Pray like it all depends on the Lord, and then work like it all depends on us.

Attitude

2009-08-05T06:33:00.003-06:00

My oldest son started football practice this week. He came home from his first practice, dropped his helmet on the ground and slumped down on the couch. One arm had blood on it, he had a big bruise on the other arm, his head was drenched in sweat. He looked beat up. He sat there barely moving, layed his head back and closed his eyes. He looked so worn out I was a little concerned. So I walked up and asked "Hey, how are you doing?"

He opened his eyes. As looked at me, a huge smile crept over his face and he exclaimed,

"Man I LOVE football!"

He could barely contain his excitement as he talked to me about tackling and blocking and how good it felt to have the coaches yelling at him again.

It was one of those times I learned a powerful lesson from my kids.

Sometimes I feel beat up. Sometimes I feel like all the difficult things I need to do in life are just too much. Sometimes I feel like struggling to stay spiritual, while dealing with the wounds I've caused through my addictive behavior is overwhelming.

But you know what? "I LOVE life" I love the chance I have to get to know my Savior through the repentance process. I love the healing that has taken place in my marriage as we both strive to turn to the Lord. I love early morning time with the scriptures which gives me power and strength. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and his atonement for me.

Attitude. It really does make the difference. Today I resolve to be more like my kids. See the positive. Enjoy the experience. Be proud of a bump or a bruise or a bloody arm because it represents total effort as I strive to turn to the Lord.

The purpose of life

2009-07-19T19:25:00.005-06:00

"We are in this life for the spirit to gain control over the body rather then the other way around." - James E. Faust (Ensign. Nov. 2007)

If our purpose in life is to gain control over our bodies, wouldn't that mean many of the commandments would lead specifically to that purpose. I can think of several....from the law of chastity to fasting to the Word of Wisdom. These commandments teach us the control that is absolutely essential to our mission in life.

So if our purpose is to gain control of our bodies, wouldn't Satan choose that aspect to attack? I can think of one weapon that is absolutely effective in taking away that control.

Addiction.

In addiction free agency is gone. Control is gone. We are at the mercy of the addiction. We don't get to make the decisions that we know will make us happy, because the addiction is constantly ruling our lives.

I wonder though, if the actions needed to overcome addiction, are the very actions which help us understand that we can control our bodies and let our spiritual side take over in our lives. Maybe those very actions, from honesty to turning our lives over to the Lord, will help anybody who wants to truly gain control over their body and thus fill their purpose in life.

Sobriety vs. Recovery

2009-07-13T06:14:00.002-06:00

In the Addiction Recovery Program, we are very fond of counting days of sobriety. There is good reason for this, working the program one day at a time is the only way many of us can even begin our recovery progress. One day of success is worth celebrating. In the AR group meetings, we clap and celebrate for any length of sobriety, whether it be 3 years or 2 hours.

For me personally, however, I can get caught in a trap. My goal with regards to my addiction is to recover. Stated more scripturally, to "experience the mighty change in my heart" and to "have no more disposition to do evil". Certainly these changes bring with them the wonderful side affect of sobriety. But sobriety is not my goal.

This may be a subtle difference, but it is important. I can be sober for months on end, without becoming converted completely to my Savior and becoming born again through Him. It can be easy for me to think because I am being sober I am being successful. Certainly sobriety is essential, but it's not enough. If I let my success in avoiding pornography make me complacent and keep me from doing the small, daily things which convert my soul, then truly sobriety is standing in the way of my recovery.

Humility is perhaps the key ingredient to recovery. When I am humble I am moldable, teachable, willing to listen to anything the Lord would have me do. Being the prideful man I am, as my sobriety builds I can start to think "I've got it. I can beat this...I....I....I" Nothing is more deadly for me than the "I" thoughts.

Recovery, for me, requires turning my life and will over to the Lord every single day. I have to be very aware that I take this step, no matter where my sobriety number lies. Because the day I forget to turn myself over to Him, is the day I start my slow descent. My goal, now and always, is to be converted to my Savior Jesus Christ.

Oh...and my sobriety is now at 150 days.

Sentences to Ponder

2009-07-01T06:21:00.004-06:00

How does this thought apply not only to those with addictions, but to anyone seeking to make the crucial changes which allow them to turn themselves over to God?

From Russel M. Nelson, Nov. 1988

Exercising the body and the spirit will aid in the climb toward recovery.
Appropriate physical activity helps to combat depression, which so often accompanies addiction.
But spiritual exercise is even more crucial. This battle will be more easily won with fervent prayer. If we truly “counsel with the Lord in all [our] doings, … he will direct [us] for good.” (Alma 37:37.)
Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us. President Benson has issued that challenge. Exercise the body and the spirit and choose to exercise faith in God.

Addiction is Devastating

2009-06-28T11:34:00.003-06:00

In general, I like this blog to be about more than sexual addictions. All of us, whether suffering from addiction or not, have personal change that we are attempting in our lives. Addiction is one of the most difficult changes, and therefore can provide an opportunity to learn important lessons. But, I am hopeful these lessons can be applied by anybody seeking to make a change, large or small.

However, today I want to speak simply and from the heart.

Pornography and sexual addictions are devastating.

...They diminish free agency

...They make the addict feel worthless

...They turn the addict into a habitual liar who cannot be trusted

...They destroy happiness, trust, and support in a marriage

...They spend money with no regard for common sense

...They put the addict at risk of breaking laws they normally would never consider

...They densensitize the mind to the point where disgusting things become acceptable to the addict

...They destroy the ability to have the protection and peace of the Holy Ghost

...They can take away the privilige of sacred God-given opportunities such as exercising the priesthood, taking the sacrament and attending the temple

...They restrict the addicts opportunity to guide and teach his children

...They lead to divorce and a loss of those things that are the most precious in the addicts life

...They often lead to loss of employment

...and perhaps most damaging and difficult to deal with for me personally. They destroy the tender feelings of the incredible daughters of God in our lives. It can make them question their testimony, their emotions, and their trust.

I just want to make it clear. Addiction destroys lives, breaks up families, and reaks havoc wherever it rears it's head. If the fish hook of addiction is stuck in you, get it out. If you aren't in it, avoid anything that could draw you in.

The Fish Hook

2009-06-23T05:52:00.007-06:00

Not long ago I was fly fishing with my son and a close friend. My fly was floating along the river until it suddenly got caught on something. My natural reaction was to jerk the fly loose. The line had a bit of weight on it, so this little jerk caused the fly to burst out of the water and come jetting straight for my face. My reactions must not be what they used to be, because I soon realized I had a large fly embedded in my bottom lip. A gentle tug on the hook confirmed my fear. The barb was deep into the flesh; this was not going to be a pleasant experience.

My friend and I spent the next several minutes trying to gently extract the fly. We tried pulling, backing it out, tugging with tweezers...no luck...and painful. As my son watched this exercise, he piped in with this helpful thought. "Well Dad, at least now you know how the fish feel."

After several failed attempts, we realized the best approach was to push the hook all the way through my lip, cut off the barb, and then pull it out. With some pushing, a bit of pain, and maybe even a few tears, the hook popped through my lip. We were able to remove the barb and pull the hook out.

I have to be honest, having a fish hook stuck in my lip was not the most pleasant experience of my life.

Do you know how to say "addicted" in sign language? You make a fish hook sympol into your lip and turn your head as if hooked.

I cannot think of a more apt description of addiction than being hooked and not being able to get yourself free. As I think about my experience with the hook in my lip, and the effort it took to get free, three thoughts come to mind.

1) Do everything you possibly can to avoid getting hooked in the first place. Once the hook is in, there is no simple or unpainful way to get it out.
2) If you do have the hook of addiction in your lip, you cannot simply back it up and think it will pop out easily. The best way to deal with it, is face it directly, work through the repentance process, and clip off the addiction.
3) A friend's help in handling addiction is an amazing blessing.

As painful as the hook in my lip was, it was nothing compared to the pain and agony of addiction in my life. Whatever you do, don't get stuck with that hook. And if it's in there, get it out though the love and mercy of our Savior Jesus Christ.

Goeth not out but by prayer and fasting

2009-06-21T17:21:00.003-06:00

Not long after the transfiguration Christ's disciples attempted to cast an evil spirit out of a man and failed. The Savior appeared later and was successful in casting the spirit out of the man. With a gentle rebuke and in a teaching moment he taught the disciples of the power of faith as a grain of mustard seed. He then shared this insightful teaching:

Howbeit this kind goeth not out by prayer and fasting-Matt 17:21

This teaching seems to indicate there are some problems, some challenges, some demons so great that an extra measure of faith and power is needed. In Jesus the Christ, James E. Talmage teaches this principle:

Have you some besetting weakness, some sinful indulgence that you have
vainly tried to overcome? Like the malignant demon that Christ rebuked in
the boy, your sin may be of a kind that goeth out only through prayer and
fasting.

I have written about the power I feel fasting has had in changing my life. The key component of recovery and true gospel change is faith in the atonement and healing power of Jesus Christ. Maybe the secret of prayer and fasting is the building of faith that comes through it's power.

I do know that with an addiction as damaging and controlling as mine...and perhaps with whatever struggle you are dealing with...these words may provide the added measure of strength needed. "This kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting".

Two Bucks

2009-06-11T06:22:00.006-06:00

As a teenager my dad and I would spend many afternoons hiking in the mountains looking for deer. One day we were high up on a steep mountain enjoying a beautiful day. We walked for hours, saw many deer, and had a great time together. About noon we found a large rock overhang. A great place to relax and enjoy our lunch. From our vantage point we had a great view of a large area. Hoping to see a few deer while we ate, we grabbed our home made sandwhiches.

It didn't take long before two bucks wandered out of the sparse trees feeding slowly towards us. One of the deer was a large, mature buck. The other was much smaller, likely only a year old. We enjoyed watching these two deer for several minutes. Keeping my eyes on them, I shifted around for a better view and unlodged a rock which fell down the cliff. The noise was loud enough that both deer startled.

Then an interesting thing happened. The big deer took off on a dead run. He was long gone before the rock even stopped rolling. But the smaller deer stopped and looked. He looked at the cliff. He looked up at us. He looked at where the rock stopped rolling. He was curious and seemed to want to know exactly where the rock had come from to verify if there was danger.

I learned an important lesson from those deer. At the very first sign of danger, the larger buck bolted. He didn't wait around until he knew things were really dangerous. He didn't take that chance, he was gone.

When it comes to temptation, am I more like the small buck or the big buck? Do I bolt at the first sign something may be dangerous? Or, do I wait around until I'm absolutely positive it's dangerous?

It is easy to look and look and look out of curiosity, wondering if what I am seeing is really all that bad. Right up to the point where I have put myself in a very precarious position.

I would like to be the older, wiser, more mature buck. The buck that knows his survival depends on getting as far away from any possible danger as soon as possible. That's not a bad motto for life.

You Can't Pray Your Way Out...

2009-06-09T05:45:00.003-06:00

It had been a long Addiction Recovery meeting. It was about to close, and I was mentally preparing to go home. The missionary who presides at the group was sharing his closing thoughts. I really enjoy what he has to say, and normally am listening attentively, but this night I was nearly checked out. Then he said something that caught my attention.

"You can't pray your way out of your addiction. You can't fast your way out of addiction. You can't study the scriptures so much that your addiction goes away."

Wait. What?

This seemed to go against everything I had learned and believed. Prayer. Scripture Study. Fasting. Those are the things we do when we are in trouble. I had learned from day 1 of Sunbeams (3 years old) about prayer and how it will bring me out of difficult times. How can he possibly say such a thing? I was mentally checked back in, but only because of my disagreement with what I was hearing.

He continued. "The way out of your addiction is step #3. 'Decide to turn your will and your life over over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ'"

I've heard the saying "Hit me like a ton of bricks" but I never really understood it until that moment. For years I had thought if I prayed enough, if I studied enough, if I fasted enough, if I just did...enough...I would stop acting out in my addiction. Everytime I would fall, I would make a new plan listing all the actions I would take, figuring those actions would save me. They won't. Only one thing will save me.

The atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ.

Prayer, scripture study, and fasting are powerful tools. They are essential and they are commandments. But the reason I am commanded to do them is because they build my faith in my Savior and they bring me closer to the Spirit.

I now view my scripture study differently every morning. I see it as an opportunity to have my faith strengthened so I can more fully turn my life and will over to my Savior. When I fast and pray, I ask for the ability to "yield my heart" to God.

The Savior heals. The Savior is the way back. He is "The way, the truth, and the life." And it is His mercy which heals us from whatever is damaged in our lives.

The Savior Heals

2009-05-31T18:46:00.002-06:00

In the last General Conference counsel was given to "become a student of the life of Jesus Christ". My attempt to take this direction to heart has included a renewed study of Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage.

As I have studied, the sheer amount of healing the Savior did is shocking. Everywhere He went He healed. He healed by touch, He healed by statement, He even healed a lady who touched the hem of His garment. As I have thought about this I have pondered the message of his healing. For one, I believe He was showing His authority and blessing as many lives as He could.

However, as I thought more deeply I believe there is a real message for me. He truly is the master Healer. I may not need healing from sickness, or blindness, or dumbness...but as an addict I truly need to be healed. I need to be healed just as much as those who the Savior blessed. In fact, just as with those individuals, there is no physician or man who can heal me. There is only the Savior Jesus Christ.

He is healing me. He is the one who can and will take this affliction from me. As I study His life, I learn that His mission is to heal. The atonement is about healing from spiritual wounds and death. I am so grateful for the great Healer in my life. As I turn to Him, He heals me just as He healed so many in the Holy Land.

I love Him.

Trials as a Part of Life

2009-04-26T14:54:00.002-06:00

This is not a new topic, and I write about it with the fear of sounding cliche. However, it has become very important to me and I hope to share a few thoughts that have been on my mind.

Over and over again we see that the scriptures promise us we will have trials and tribulations. Never are we promised temptation won't come, trials won't come, or times will be easy.

As a recovering pornography addict, this is a hard truth for me to swallow. I keep hoping for the day when temptations will be no more. In my mind I guess I am picturing that if I study the gospel, follow the 12 steps, and turn my life and will over to my Savior, that temptations will be removed from my life completely. But it doesn't happen.

My parents left on a mission not long ago. I feel blessed to have them serving, and I know there are real blessings which come into the lives of families of Senior Couples who serve faithfully. As they prepared to leave, I spent much time praying that while they were gone I would not be tempted, that my desires would be removed, and I would no longer feel any draw to my addiction.

During their farewell I had an interesting experience. The message that came to my heart was not "You won't be tempted. Your addiction is no more." What I did feel was this...

"Over the next 18 months, you will have the power to overcome any challenge or temptation you face. Those challenges will be real, and some will be difficult, but I will bless you with the ability to face them and overcome them."

In the end, isn't that the blessing I would rather have? In my life I will always experience temptation. It's a part of being mortal. I will always experience trials, pain, and challenges. It is a much greater promise to know I can have the Lords strength in those trials.

I am grateful to a Savior who teaches us, who carries us, and who stands with us through all trials of life.

Service

2009-02-22T19:24:00.002-07:00

I am convinced perhaps one of the quickest ways to true personal change in the gospel of Jesus Christ is to serve others. So often our problems, concerns, or sins are tied up in selfishness. I know speaking for myself, my addiction to pornography is a completely selfish sin. Turning to those images may be one of the most selfish acts there is.

The quickest and easiest way out of selfishness is to serve others. By it's very nature, service is about someone else. Suddenly, as we serve, we feel for others. Our life becomes about someone else, about their happiness more than our momentary pleasure.

Whatever gospel change you are trying to make right now, I encourage you to find someone to serve, and then serve them diligently. It will have more affect on your ability to change and turn to Christ than almost anything else.

Immmediately

2009-02-15T19:08:00.002-07:00

I wonder sometimes if I don't comprehend the immediacy of the atonement. I realize the power of the atonement is available to me today, but I'm not sure I fully comprehend the power it can have right now, here today.

I go to recovery meetings and I hear great men speak about their recovery. They testify with the spirit of the power that has changed their lives. I believe them because the Holy Ghost testifies to my heart of the conversion these men have gone through. The thoughts in my mind go something like this:

"Boy, that's great. This guy has truly be converted, he has maintained sobriety from pornography for such a long period of time, what an great example to me. Maybe if I continue to work hard, and go many days without viewing, and do all the right things...maybe just maybe I can experience that conversion too"

These thoughts are correct as far as they go. But where I make a mistake is always thinking about conversion or redemption as a future event. Something if I strive and work for could happen to me in months or years. The striving and working and turning myself over to the Lord is important, and this truly does take time. But the redemptive power of the atonement is not just available to change me in 6 months, it is available immediately.

Alma 34:31

Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, IMMEDIATELY shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you.

Did you hear that? The redemption can take place in your life and my life immediately. Right now. Today. There is no greater message for someone like me, someone who needs to change. I can have that change, that redemption, that salvation immediately if I will repent with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

It may take years to heal completely from addiction for me. But the atonement and tender mercies of my Savior I can have in my life right now. That is truly a great blessing.

Humility

2009-02-10T18:42:00.002-07:00

My mind is drawn yet again to humility. What does it take to develop the humility necessary to follow my Savior? What steps can I take to ensure I have that humility for myself and am not "compelled to be humble"? How do I know when I am avoiding pride and keeping humility in my life.

I truly believe without humility it is impossible for Jesus to change my heart. Humility is the essence of the statement "I will yield my heart to God". But what exactly does this humble yielding look like?

For me, I feel humility when I have a willingness to do anything the Lord would ask of me to make the change I am seeking...in my case the healing of my addiction. Addiction in particular thrives in secrecy. When I feel pride, I am not willing to talk to others about my struggles, to openly admit that I have this problem and that I still struggle with it. When I am humble, I am able to respond to the promptings of the spirit to be open about my problems with the people I love.

This small test of humility is a good litmus test for me. Am I today, willing to admit my problem to those close to me, and admit my current struggles and temptations, or is it more important for me to appear righteous?

I have also found that taking myself out of my comfort zone by speaking to someone about my addiction, helps push me back into humility when I am not feeling particularly like yielding my heart that day.

I pray every night that I can be humble, yield my heart to the Lord, and do anything he asks of me. That is the answer to true gospel change. It is something I am still seeking and striving for.

7 ways to Listen to the Spirit

2009-02-04T06:54:00.003-07:00

Why is it that I just don't take time to listen more often? I find I get some of my greatest inspirations and powerful thoughts when I am actively seeking quiet time and focusing on listening. Seems like an easy task, but in my busy life I don't do it often enough. I would say listening is right there with my daily habits of prayer and scripture study in influencing my spiritual growth throughout the day.

From my experience, here are 10 ways to make time to listen to the whisperings of the Spirit.

1) Learn to breathe
I'll admit, over the years I thought breathing techniques were cheesy. However, recently I learned a simple technique which quiets my mind and body almost immediately. Called "Square Breathing" it is simply breathing in for a count of 4, holding for a count of 4, breathing out for a count of 4, and holding for a count of 4. Repeat a few times until you feel your mind slow down. This practice has helped me to find quiet time in almost any situation. Try it sometime, then just take the time to listen.

2) Pause after prayer
We here this one so often it is almost a cliche, but there is a reason it comes up over and over...it works. I've found if I take time to focus on breathing immediately after finishing my prayer, I feel quiet and peaceful. Even just a few minutes on my knees after prayer can be a powerful experience.

3) Use your commute
A few years ago I decided to try to put the time in my car to good use. I've had success on and off over the years, but I've found that turning the radio off and just listening as I drive can be an excellent way to hear the spirit.

4) In the shower
Another cliche possibly, but some of my most powerful insights have come in the shower. It is a quiet and relaxing place, take advantage of the soothing power in the water and calmly listen.

5) Write things down
Often the spirit will give me a simple, strong impression. I will know immediately it is something I should pay attention too. Then I get on with my life and forget. Take the time to listen, then take the time to write your thoughts down. Looking back on some of my notes, I'm amazed at the wisdom the spirit has whispered to me.

6) Focus your listening
Rather than just finding quiet time, make an effort to ask a question and then listen for answers. I've found if I focus my mind on something specific, and ask my Heavenly Father a question, it helps my mind turn to the the spirit. I can receive instruction directed to my need.

7) Make listening a priority
No matter where or how, if we don't make the time to listen, we won't listen. Make it a priority in your life. Make a specific plan to spend time just listening to what the Lord would like to say. It can be a powerful influence in life.

Fear Not I am With Thee

2009-01-25T19:36:00.003-07:00

Early on in the process of change I found that listening to General Conference on the way to work was a powerful way for me to feel the spirit. I downloaded the conferences on to my iPod and would occasionally listen as I drove and try to learn from the teachings.

This effort worked well, and while I may not have done it as much as I should have, it definitely had an influence in my life. I would generally skip over the prayers and songs to get to the "meat". One night as I was praying, asking Heavenly Father what he would have me do, I felt a strong impression that I should listen to all of these recorded conferences...Songs, prayers, sustainings, that little introduction they voice guy does at the beginning...the whole thing.

What an odd impression. I was expecting some great revelation, and what I got was "listen to the boring parts of conference". Or at least that is how I took it. I had committed to obey any prompting, so I figured I needed to obey this one.

It slowly became a habit. I didn't particularly find these sections useful, but it became natural to listen to the whole session straight through. One night I was driving home from work, after a really tough day. One the major triggers for my addiction is stress, and this night I was definitely feeling stressed. The temptation was strong. As I turned on the car I was at the end of a conference session, and the choir was singing "How Firm a Foundation". Listening to the third verse, I had one of the more spiritual experiences of my life. It was as if the spirit were imprinting the words in my heard.

Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.

That experience changed me. I was a different man after that night. I wish I could say I never faltered again, but I can say I have never lost hope in the ability of the Savior to change me. I walked away with faith that I could and would be changed, and that the Lord would "strengthen me, help me, and cause me to stand". My fear was gone.

I learned a few things there in my car that night. Among them the power of music to touch my soul. But perhaps most important, I learned that no matter how small the prompting seems, I am always blessed when I follow the Holy Ghost.

The Addiction Recovery Program

2009-01-13T07:26:00.003-07:00

One of the most powerful tools in my recovery has been my attendance at the Church Addiction Recovery Program. There are two powerful aspects to this program which have each been a wonderful blessing in my recovery process.

First, there are recovery meetings held at church houses and seminary buildings in locations all over the country. I have chosen to attend these meetings once a week, but many choose to go several times a week. These meetings are a place of calm, peace, and healing. People just like me who are struggling with the same addiction I am, meet to build each other up, share hope and faith, and listen to each other share about the joy that comes from turning ourselves over to the Lord.

When I first started going, it was a profound experience to meet other men who had struggled with this addiction for just as long as I had. As time went on, I learned that the great strength in the meetings was to see hope shine in the eyes of men who had suffered for so long. It gives me hope to see others stand up, admit their problem, and then talk about the blessings of the Lord which help them overcome the addiction.

Meeting night has become a highlight of my week. I feel the spirit and feel a renewed commitment to allowing the Savior to change me.

The other resource of the Addiction Recovery Program is a 78 page manual/workbook produced by the LDS Family Services. This workbook lays out the 12 steps in clear language. It also has writing exercises for each step. Much of the writing is done by recovered addicts. Their perspective brings a unique voice to the manual, a voice which demonstrates the power of following the steps.

I love the manual and I use if often in my studies. The writing sections have led to some of my greatest inspirations and moments with the spirit.

I would recommend this book to nearly everyone, but for those suffering from addiction it is nearly an essential tool to being guided back to the Savior.

I have a strong testimony of these programs, and will continue to work them throughout my life as I maintain recovery.

For After Much Tribulation...

2009-01-11T16:35:00.002-07:00

Have you ever noticed that people seem to come through tribulation in one of two ways? Either it makes them stronger or it makes them weaker.

This may be a trivial example, but in our family we have been learning to snowboard. Those of you who have tried it know that the first few snowboarding trips can be painful. Bumps, bruises, and falls all play a large part of the experience. In the middle of all this tribulation, there is no staying neutral. Either you force yourself to learn the necessary skills quickly or you give up. Tribulation tends to eliminate the middle ground.

We've seen both happen in our family. Some kids have hated the falls so they don't want to try anymore. Some have hated the falls, so they want to do everything they can to get better.

Doctrine and Covenants 58:4 teaches "For after much tribulation come the blessings." This principle applies to snowboarding and it applies to the changes in our lives.

When we make a commitment to the Lord to change, and ask for his help, we often receive immediate blessings. From my experience; however, before receiving all the help we need and desire, we generally have to wade through tribulation. This tribulation either makes us stronger and more committed to our goal, or it deflates us and we give up.

Without tribulation our snowboarding would not improve. Without tribulation, we will not develop the faith and humility necessary to make the kind of personal changes the gospel requires.

I have many spiritual bumps and bruises from my tribulations. But on the far end as I have pushed through those trials, I am always grateful I did not give up.

When the Heat of the Sun Scorcheth

2009-01-04T16:46:00.004-07:00

Alma 32 carries many messages which have affected my deeply and helped me understand the principles of faith. Near the end is a passage which I often mentally skipped over in my study. Alma is speaking of a tree which we have already grown from a seed. In other words, we have already put forth the effort to gain a testimony of some principle. He then warns us:

But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it whithers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out. (Alma 32:38)

This principle of nourishment has caused me to contemplate how I neglect principles of my testimony and the damage it can do when hard times come.

I wrote earlier about my testimony of fasting. This testimony was planted on my mission and the tree began to grow. I knew fasting worked. In the 12 years between that time and the time I finally was thrust down to my knees due to the horrible decisions I had made, I neglected that simple testimony. When the hot sun beat on me, I wavered. I didn't turn to fasting and prayer like I should have. I hadn't consistently strengthened my tree and it had stopped bearing fruit.

Henry B. Eyring in his powerful way, taught the principle in October Conference, 2005

It will take unshakable faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to choose the way to eternal life. It is by using that faith we can know the will of God. It is by acting on that faith we build the strength to do the will of God. And it is by exercising that faith in Jesus Christ that we can resist temptation and gain forgiveness through the Atonement.

We will need to have developed and nurtured faith in Jesus Christ long before Satan hits us, as he will, with doubts and appeals to our carnal desires and with lying voices saying that good is bad and that there is no sin. Those spiritual storms are already raging. We can expect that they will worsen until the Savior returns.

However much faith to obey God we now have, we will need to strengthen it continually and keep it refreshed constantly. We can do that by deciding now to be more quick to obey and more determined to endure. Learning to start early and to be steady are the keys to spiritual preparation. Procrastination and inconsistency are its mortal enemies.

There are strong warnings in these words for me. As important as it is for me to build a testimony in principles such as tithing and turning my life and will over to my Savior, it is just as important that I nurture these testimonies every single day.

What did I do today to nurture my faith and testimony in the principles of the gospel? What did you do? Can we do more?

Patience

2009-01-01T11:10:00.004-07:00

The Lord has given us a sure promise that he will change us if we turn ourselves over to him, but he has not said exactly how fast the promised change will come. One of the most difficult items in my addiction recovery is having the patience to let the Lord work on his timetable, not mine. Often when I am feeling like I am turning myself over to him and exercising faith, I still have struggles that I wish he would simply take away.

I imagine this is true of all gospel change we desire to make. The Lord's promise is sure, he will change us, he will give us the desired change of heart. For some it will be like Alma the Younger with an instantaneous change of heart which never wavers. But for most of us it is a much longer process.

Doctrine and Covenants 98:2-3 is instructive for me when I start to grow impatient with the time it takes for my heart to be changed. We are instructed that "Waiting patiently on the Lord" is essential because "your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord" and "The Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted".

As a recovering addict I have a sure and firm promise that the Lord will change me and bless me with recovery if I will turn my life and will over to him. What I do not have, is a timetable that says "If you follow the 12 steps for 6 months, you will be freed from addiction". The Lord asks my patience.

The conclusions of verse 3 says "all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good".

There is a reason the Lord allows change to take time and to often be difficult. He knows what we need to truly grow and develop in this life. He knows that the afflictions I struggle with will come together for my good if I will continue on with patience, hope, and faith.

I have faith in Him. I trust Him. I will continue to work on my spiritual growth, continue to turn myself over to His care with full patience for a brighter day as He changes me.

Persistence

2008-12-28T10:54:00.004-07:00

Calvin Coolidge was known as "silent Cal" and seems to almost be a forgotten president. But he did leave some words of wisdom that have inspired me many times -

"Press on: Nothing in this world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."

Sometimes persistence is overlooked in our process of personal change. Whether it be dieting, saving money, or the mighty change of heart of conversion to Jesus Christ, we all would like to find THE secret. The one thing that will make the change in our lives lasting.

Quite often there is not one thing. There are many things, that done with consistency and dedication slowly bring about the change we are seeking. I wish my addiction had simply been taken from me when I turned to Jesus Christ. But it wasn't. Slowly, often imperceptibly, my nature began to be changed by my Savior. With persistence as I continued to work the 12 steps, turn to my Heavenly Father, prayer always, and the other small things which turn my heart to my Savior, he changed me.

In his "Parable of the Pickle" David A. Bednar described gospel change like this:

"The spiritual rebirth described in this verse typically does not occur quickly or all at once; it is an ongoing process—not a single event. Line upon line and precept upon precept, gradually and almost imperceptibly, our motives, our thoughts, our words, and our deeds become aligned with the will of God. This phase of the transformation process requires time, persistence, and patience. A cucumber only becomes a pickle through steady, sustained, and complete immersion in salt brine."

Sometimes there is no secret, there is only persistence. The slow, steady work of the decisions we make every single day. As we climb in the wheelbarrow in these small ways every day, the Lord blesses us with the change we desire, and miracles happen.

Friends

2008-12-22T20:28:00.003-07:00

I thought I would share the value of friends to the gospel change process. Certainly the support and help we need the most comes from our Savior. He will guide me and he will guide you with any righteous change we would like to make.

With that said, it is hard to underestimate the value of a good friend when trying to make difficult change. Whether that change be an effort to reach out more in service, or overcoming addiction, that one true friend can lift us up at times when we don't feel we can go on.

I know in some of my darkest times of addiction there was one friend in particular who spent the time to talk to both me and my wife. He didn't judge (although he did offer to kick my butt if it would help...), he listened, he comforted, he expressed confidence and love. I am grateful for this good friend.

Perhaps the flip side for me is, who can I be THAT friend for. Who can I lift up or encourage at a time when they need it the most. Am I too busy wrapped in my own changes and struggles to recognize it and lend a helping hand?

Maybe this is part of change too. Going outside myself to be a friend to another in need. It's hard to worry about my problems when I am spending my time helping another.

I thank my Heavenly Father for good friends. And I ask him to help me be the kind of friend who is there for one in need.

Compelled to be humble...

2008-12-20T18:01:00.004-07:00

"And now, as I said unto you, that because ye were compelled to be humble ye were blessed, do ye not suppose that they are more blessed who truly humble themselves because of the word?" - Alma 32:14

Those of us who have been through addiction recovery know very well what being "compelled to be humble" feels like. When we relapse, humility almost always follows. We feel guilt, pain, and shame. Usually we have hurt someone, most likely our wife. Seeing her pain causes great humility. Generally at this point we commit to living the gospel, we fall to our knees and promise our Heavenly Father every sacrifice if he will just remove our addiction.

And we mean it. This humility is real and it is deep. For me at least, it is not a show to make it look like I am trying to be righteous. I am truly humbled and willing to be molded by my Savior.

But...I was compelled to be humble. As the scriptures tell us, this is not a bad thing. In fact it is a good thing. But there is something better. Something that in my opinion leads to more lasting change...

Humbling Myself.

When times are good do I get prideful? Do I start to believe it is my own actions which are leading to my recovery? Do I start to fade in my commitment? Do I fall back into my pattern of wanting to APPEAR righteous, or am I working all the time to show my commitment to the Lord? Are my prayers sincere and heartfelt, often kneeling and out loud?

My commitment is to be more humble all the time, not just when I am compelled. To look at myself and be honest about my humility. When it slips, I will take the actions I can to bring humility back into my life.

Humility is the way to lasting gospel change. Pride is the way to misery.

I Am a Child of God

2008-12-14T12:30:00.002-07:00

I teach primary with my wife; it's a wonderful calling that we love. The primary sacrament meeting program was a few weeks ago and the theme for the program was "I Am a Child of God". We spent 10 months singing the songs for the program. I heard the song "I Am a Child of God" so many times I think it was imprinted in my brain. I love that song, I always have...but sometime during the year my mind become somewhat numb to it's meaning. It was just another song we practiced over and over.

As we sat in the primary program, tried to keep our class quiet, and herded kids up to the front for their speaking part, the last thing on my mind was gaining anything new out of this program I had heard so many times.

Near the beginning the entire primary stood up to sing the song one last time. "I Am a Child of God, and he has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear". As I listened to these primary kids that we love sing those words, my heart was opened. I felt the power of those words. I really am a child of God, and he loves me.

He loved me through all of the dark days and struggles of my addiction, even when I seemed to fall every time I stood up. He loved me as I haltingly turned to Him and asked Him for help. He loves me now as I try to turn my life over to Him and become His disciple. I am his child, he cares about me and will do anything to help me with the gospel change I need in my life.

I left Sacrament meeting that day with a new attitude, a new feeling of love in my heart. I am his child and his love for me knows no bounds.

I Come to Thee

2008-12-07T10:15:00.003-07:00

Not that it is any great news flash, but I have found on those days when I don't feel the spirit in my life, when I feel I need a boost, or when I just may be struggling, listening to hymns can be a real boost.

One of my favorites has become "I Need Thee Every Hour". I listened to it dozens of times driving in my car on the way to work as I struggled with keeping my mind on the Lord and off of my addiction. I truly felt it was the intent of my heart to have the Savior in my life and to have him come to me when I needed help. It almost turned into a daily prayer , "Savior, I need thee. Come help me".

One morning as I drove, I had a shocking experience. I was listening to this particular song, I was feeling down, wondering why after all my pleading for the Savior to help me I was still struggling with pornography and lust. I was not really paying attention to the words until the chorus imprinted itself in my mind with great power. "I need thee every hour, every hour I need thee. Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to thee".

Those words "I come to thee" pushed themselves into my mind and would not let go. I had been thinking of this all wrong! This song was not a prayer for the Savior to come to me and help. He was already there and waiting to provide all the help I needed. The song was a commitment by me to go to Him. If I wanted the Savior in my life every hour, it was simply a choice on my part to come to him every hour.

That message has never left me. The words "I come to thee" have become and important part of all my prayers and the way I attempt to live my life.

I am grateful...

2008-11-25T07:57:00.002-07:00

I am grateful to be a child of God, who loves me and cares for me through my trials.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change my life and not let the mistakes of the past destroy my future.

I am grateful for the 12 step program which is like remedial repentance of those of us who can't figure it out any other way. The power of the 12 steps has helped save me from darkness.

I am grateful for a wife who loves me, supports me, and stands by me. She has suffered immensely due to my choices, and I am grateful for her charity towards me.

I am grateful for the Sacrament. The spirit and cleansing power I feel as I partake worthily each week is very valuable to me.

I am grateful for prayer, and the answers I have received every time I have knelt sincerely.

I am grateful for the spirit in my life. Nothing has protected me more, and helped me see the light.

I am grateful for the answers I receive when I ask the question "Lord, what would thou have me do today."

I am grateful for the men in my Addiction Recovery group, for their testimonies and their humility, and especially their examples of people who never give up seeking to make difficult changes.

I am grateful for priesthood blessings which have lifted my weary hand when I didn't think I could go on.

I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ which gives hope to any of us who desire to improve our lives and become like Him.

Most of all...I am grateful for the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. For the chance it gives me to change me life and be completely clean of the dreadful mistakes I have made. I love Him, and on this Thanksgiving I want Him to know I am grateful for the sacrifice He made for me.

Step # 11

2008-11-20T08:08:00.004-07:00

I don't know if I am supposed to have a "favorite" step, but I do. It's Step 11.

"Seek through prayer and mediation to know the Lord's will and to have the power to carry it out."

Nothing has helped me in the process of personal change more or brought me closer to my Savior than this simple step. In the difficult change of addiction recovery, reliance on the Lord is the way out. Step 11 is essentially daily reliance. I suspect the principle holds for other personal change, especially the soul searching, difficult changes the gospel often requires.

Let me share four brief thoughts about Step 11 that may apply to anyone attempting to change or improve their life through living the gospel more fully.

1) Living worthy of the spirit is the foundation.
I spent years living a life that utterly disqualified me from the blessing of having the Holy Ghost near me. Living every day so I am worthy to have the spirit is essential to understanding what God's will is for me. Without this step the others will fail. For me, this means being cautious about what I watch on TV or listen to. It means daily scripture study and pondering the words I read. It means taking the Sacrament every week. And it certainly means avoiding the deadly drug of pornography.

2) Ask the Lord every day to know his will concerning you.
This is another example of a simple principle which took me forever to figure out. In prayer, often asking is the only requirement the Lord puts on us. He wants us to kneel and ask to know his will. Kneeling every morning and asking what the Lord would have me do that day has truthfully changed my life. It's not a difficult task, the prayer doesn't have to be lengthy or profound. Humbly kneeling and submitting to the Lord, asking to know his will for me, and then making every effort to carry it out...this process has been a powerful director of my efforts to change.

3) Take the time to listen.
Again, a principle probably obvious to most, but the Lords answers are generally subtle and almost always quiet. It takes sincere effort hear them. I often do this in the car on my way to work. I will turn the radio off and breathe calmly for a few minutes. I will then open my mind to the Lord by addressing him, and then let the thoughts go where they will. I have received small and simple truths from the Lord this way. I truly believe I get guidance and direction during these quiet times.

4) No matter what the Lord asks, do it.
When the answers come, and they will come, it is time to climb in the wheelbarrow. If we want the Lord to trust us, we have to obey immediately. Sometimes the answer will not be what you are expecting. I recall receiving inspiration to pay my tithing when I was thinking about a difficult personal problem. The answer may sometimes be difficult. But it is essential that we obey, and obey immediately. Obeying simple promptings of the Lord builds trust with him and allows him to direct our lives even further.

President Ezra Taft Benson said "The constant and most recurring question in our minds, touching every thought and deed of our lives, should be, "Lord, what wilt thou have me do?'

What holds us back?

2008-11-16T10:01:00.002-07:00

When dealing with an addiction, and from my experience especially a pornography addiction, there are many things which can hold us back from recovery. Therapists or bishops will often advise addicts to identify what items are holding us back, and remove them from our lives. The list may include: the tv shows we watch, the music we listen too, the blogs we read, thought patterns, blaming others for our problems, how we deal with stress, etc.

I spent a lot of time identifying these issues and working to deal with them. This effort was helpful and helped me make significant improvements. However, it took me years to realize what one of the biggest titems holding me back was. The item was FEAR brought on by my past failures.

To illustrate, let me share the endless cycle I seemed to go through. Most addicts will recognize it. Regularly I would reach the bottom, I would get sick of the terrible way the addiction made me feel, and the damage it did to my life and my relationships. At this point I would swear I was never going to relapse again. I would make commitment after commitment, promises to myself, and promises to the Lord, that this was absolutely the last time. It would never, EVER happen again.

I would do well for awhile. I would remember the pain caused by my addiction, so I would avoid it completely. But after a period of time, I would start to be scared. Scared that I wasn't going to be able to last. The reason I was scared is because I had FAILED SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. That was the only thought in my head...you've gone this far before, and you've always failed, therefore you will fail this time. As soon as I started thinking this, my effort and commitment would begin to fail me. Every time a lustful thought would enter my head, it would be evidence of my hopelessness, rather than an opportunity for me to turn to the Lord.

Eventually this fear would overtake me, and I would fall to the addiction. Which, ironically, would fulfill my own prophecy. "See, it was impossible, I will never succeed"

What is the opposite of fear? Hope. Step #2 "Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health."

This principle applies directly to addiction. But I believe it is important for any change we want to make. Does the memory of failure at exercise stop us from successfully sticking to an exercise program now? Does the memory of failed Family Home Evening's stops us from making the effort to get them going again in your house? Does our memory of struggling to overcome anger problems, convince us it is impossible and we should quit trying?

Fear is a tool of Satan. Hope is a tool of our Savior. No matter our past failures, we can succeed in following the gospel of Jesus Christ. He will always be there to save us.

He that overcometh

2008-11-13T07:06:00.003-07:00

"He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son" - Revelations 21:7

"...To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life" - Revelations 2:7

We often hear the words "overcome" and "endure" when it comes to the principles of gaining eternal life. Why is our journey to return to our Heavenly Father described as an effort of overcoming?

A football team which defeated an inferior opponent by six touchdowns didn't overcome. The underdog, who battled and scratched and held on 4th and goal on the one yard line, they are the ones who overcame.

We don't overcome a pleasant walk through a meadow. But the runner who struggled through four hours of fatigue certainly overcame the marathon.

We overcome trials. We overcome adversity. We overcome pain and fear.

The mission our life is to overcome. Addicts desire to "overcome" their addiction. This is a large and obvious struggle. But life is full of these struggles for all. Adversity comes to the most meek and humble. Trials are all around us. It is the person who overcomes all who gains eternal life.

These trials can often seem overwhelming. Personally, I am aware of the consuming fear of addiction, the fear that this weakness simply is out of my power to overcome. It is then that I try to remember Deuteronomy 20:3-4.

"..let not your hearts faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them; For the Lord your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you"

It is through the Lord that I can bravely face the trials of my life. Through the Lord that I can defeat my enemies of addiction and pride. Through the Lord that I can overcome.

The Simple Power of Prayer

2008-11-07T20:10:00.003-07:00

The Bible dictionary taught me something powerful about prayer that I have never forgotten. "The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them." Prayer then "...is a form of work, and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of blessings."

Applying this to myself, there are often changes I would ask the Lord to help me make. But as simple as it sounds, have I sincerely asked for those changes? I have asked often that I not fall to temptation in my addiction. But I never seemed to ask to have the addiction removed from me. That change made a big difference in my life.

Regarding desires, I have wanted a change of desire for 20+ years. But how often did I kneel in prayer and ask God to change me and my desires, to draw my heart to him. Once again, this simple practice has given me great benefit.

We are told the way to develop charity is to ask our Father in Heaven for charity.

Could it be that often the humble "work" of prayer is exactly what is needed for us to receive powerful blessings that Lord is waiting to give us?

Maybe we have been struggling for years to forgive a wrong done to us. Is it possible that a sincere prayer asking for forgiveness to fill our hearts could be the beginning?

Or maybe we want to develop the habit of scripture study. Maybe the Lord is waiting, willing to bless us with this ability and desire, if only we would ask him to bless us.

There is real power, for me, in the simple asking for exactly what I need. I find that when I am specific it works better. Asking to be righteous is helpful. Asking that this day I have no desire for evil and that I will avoid temptation which I cannot resist, is powerful.

There is more power in prayer than I think I still realize. But I am truly grateful for the blessings that have come as I have asked sincerely and specifically.

Fasting

2008-11-02T09:05:00.004-07:00

It was the beginning of my mission, and I was having a rough time. The first month had not been what I expected coming out of the MTC. My enthusiasm started to dampen. Sensing this, my companion suggested we have a special fast specifically asking for someone prepared to be taught and to have an uplifting experience. We started on Saturday night and attended church in the spirit of fasting. I had fasted often in my life, but never with the sincere purpose I felt that day.

As church ended we were approached by a young lady who introduced us to her friend. I believe her exact words were "I have been reading the Book of Mormon with him, he believes it is true and wants to be taught." We taught him the discussions in three weeks and he was baptized five weeks after we first met him.

I am sure many missionaries have similar experiences of being blessed with an investigator ready and willing to be taught. For me though, that experience has never left my mind because it gave me a sure testimony of the power of fasting and prayer. Perhaps more than any other principle, fasting has brought me closer to my Savior as I have struggled with the deep and difficult change addiction recovery requires. (For that matter, the deep and difficult changes salvation requires).

Flash forward 12 years. I was driving down the road, lonely and alone. Consumed by the power my addiction had over my life. I had lost the things most precious to me and was feeling despair. The small inkling of thought came to me "Now is the time to humble yourself, fast and pray and the blessings will come". In that state of despair, I am not sure how the voice made it through or why I listened, but I am grateful to the Lord it did. I promptly called my parents and asked them to fast with me, which they willingly did.

I fasted that day for release from my addiction, with more sincerity than I had ever fasted before. I felt the power of the Lord, and the power of my loving parents joining me in the fast. And while I did not receive the blessings as fast as I had on my mission, looking back today, I believe that was a turning point in my life. It was then that the Lord started guiding me, putting people and lessons in place to slowly unwind the flaxen cords which bound me.

I have a sure and firm testimony of fasting. I am fasting today and feeling the peace and love of the Lord as I do. I am grateful for my wife who fasts with me and adds her power to mine, in an unselfish effort to help me receive the blessings I so desperately need.

And I thank my Heavenly Father and Savior for the blessings of fasting.

Covenant Eyes

2008-10-30T07:59:00.002-06:00

I just want to give a quick plug for a tool I have found very valuable in my recovery from pornography addiction. The tool is Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes is web tracking system which records every site visited. It is not a filter (at least the version I use). It doesn't attempt to block access to web sites, it simply records each site visited. I have set my wife up as my "accountability partner" so she has access to a report on all of my web activity.

The reason I like this tool is not because having a tracking system is the only way I can control myself. If I need web tracking in order to not look at pornography, then I am not truly recovering. The reason I like it, is because it helps shape me thinking. Other addicts will understand when I say the urge to indulge often comes over time. It starts small, perhaps brought on by an image from a TV show or by boredom. If the urge is not dealt with immediately and in a constructive way, it builds until I cannot control myself.

Covenant Eyes helps with that process. Because I don't have a computer with which I can indulge, the thought never really takes hold in my mind. My mind knows I can't dive into pornography at that moment, so it doesn't open itself to the possibility.

Covenant Eyes is not THE solution to pornography addiction. Jesus Christ is the solution. But Covenant Eyes is a very useful tool in the process of reshaping myself as a disciple of Christ, completely free from addiction.

P.S. I would recommend Covenant Eyes for any home computer. Even in households where pornography has not been a problem in the past. It is always better to be safe.

Sticking to the Basics

2008-10-28T06:30:00.004-06:00

I have a son who just finished his first year of tackle football. He is in 5th grade and is a bigger kid, so he got to play on the defensive line. He spent weeks learning the basics of staying down low in his stance, not standing straight up too quickly, rolling his hips into the blocker for strength, etc. Heading into their scrimmages, he had these basics down pretty well because he had worked on them over and over.

The first practice game came up against a 4th grade team. My son was in their backfield all game, sacking the quarterback and making tackles for loss on running plays. He came home that night full of himself. "No one can block me" was his mantra as he strutted around the house.

A few days later his team had their second scrimmage. This time it was against a team their own age, and it just happened he lined up against a Polynesian player with a lot of strength. My son was full of confidence because of his past success. On the first play, he went against all the basic skills he had been taught, stood straight up...and got knocked flat on his back by the offensive lineman across from him. His over-confidence had caused him to forget the important basics he had taken so long to learn.

I am happy to report that my son learned from this experience and had a fun and successful year in football. But I learned a lesson from watching him. As I have worked to overcome my addiction, there are certain fundamentals that are necessary to my progress. These include:

-Daily capturing in the scriptures

-Sincere prayer asking for my desires to be changed

-Asking the Lord what his will is for me and the strength to carry it out

-Communicating daily with my wife about my progress and challenges

-Working the 12 steps of the addiction recovery program

-Paying attention to everything I listen to or watch to ensure it is uplifting

These basic steps are easy for me just after I have a relapse or am in a humble position where I am desperate to change my life. As time wears on, I start to become confident. I start to feel "I am doing this, I can overcome this addiction. I am doing fantastic, I don't need to pay so much attention to these small daily tasks". Inevitably, as soon as I start to feel that way, the key things start to slip. And that is when I can start to go down hill.

Clinging to the basics, making them a priority every day of my life, is the ONLY way I can make the lasting change of addiction recovery. These steps draw me closer to Christ and build my faith in him. Without the Savior, I cannot succeed.

Maybe this is a lesson only I struggle with. But if you are working on a gospel change, be cautious of the overconfident attitude which can lead away from the very basics that enable lasting change through a relationship with Christ.

The Sweet Message of Hope

2008-10-25T17:53:00.004-06:00

When I learned about the church's Addiction Recovery Program, I dove in with both feet. I was desperate for anything that could help me overcome an addiction I had been fighting for 20+ years. Step 1 came easy to me. After trying and failing to overcome my addiction by myself so many times, it was easy to admit that I was powerless against it. Then I got to step 2.

"Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health."

My initial reaction was, "Yes, I believe God can restore people to complete spiritual health." Then I thought about what I was saying more deeply. I believed God could save others. I had seen it on my mission. I had witnessed it with good people in my life. Our Savior had literally changed them. So yeah, I was sure God could restore others to spiritual health.

But then it hit me, did I believe God could restore ME to righteousness. Not my neighbor, not the other people in my ARP group, not the guy in the blog, but ME personally. Could God look at my 20 years of sins and actually change my soul? That may have been the most soul searching step for me. It took much fasting and prayer, and many trials. But once I gained a firm witness that God could and would actually save ME, my life and approach to addiction recovery changed.

While addiction may be one of the most hopeless situations to find yourself in. I wonder if other changes we try to make don't suffer from the same problem.

It's easy to believe that others are blessed when they pay tithing, but harder to believe that those blessings will happen to us when our finances are already tight.

It's easy to believe that others have been blessed when they prayer for someone to boldly share the gospel with, but harder to put ourselves out there and believe God will bless our undertaking.

It's easy to believe others have gained a firm witness of the truthfulness of the gospel, but maybe harder to believe we can receive that some witness.

My testimony is, no matter how big or small a persons spiritual wounds or needed changes are, God can and will restore YOU to complete spiritual health.

Desires

2008-10-23T06:59:00.003-06:00

Morning #1: My alarm goes off at 5:15 AM. I roll over, glare at the clock, put the pillow over my ears, and rationalize every reason why I really don't have to get up so early this morning. Sometimes I win the battle, sometimes I lose. Why is it so difficult to get out of bed?

Morning #2: My alarm goes off at 4:30 AM. I hop out of bed without a single thought, eager and ready to go. No struggle, no mumbling about that dirty alarm clock, no complaining. Why? I am going fishing on the Green River this morning. Nothing is going to stop me from my appointment with the great outdoors.

What is the difference in these two scenarios? My DESIRE. When I am doing something I truly want to do, the steps necessary to get there are almost effortless. Even if those steps may have been difficult under other circumstances.

When making difficult changes in our lives, our desire may be the single most important factor in our ability to maintain the change. What we truly desire becomes easier to do. In fact, if our desire is strong the change almost naturally follows.

I started to make real progress on my addiction recovery when my desire to change became greater than my desire for the addiction. When I wanted the change so bad I was willing to do anything to get it, that is when it became easier to do the difficult tasks addiction recovery requires.

"God granteth unto men according to their desire" (Alma 29:4).

In the end, it was what we truly desire, deep down in our hearts, that we become. Therefore, it important that we pay honest attention to what our true desires are.

Neal A. Maxwell said "Remember, brothers and sisters, it is our own desires which determine the sizing and the attractiveness of various temptations" (Ensign, Nov 1996). If I am tempted in ways that are hard for me to resist, maybe the first place I should look are the desires of my heart.

Do I want to change, or do I actually still want to be a part of the world?

Is my desire to read the scriptures every day, or would I rather spend time watching TV?

Is my desire to pay a full tithing, or would I rather use the money on myself?

Is my desire to fully repent of my sins by confessing them honestly, or is it more important for me to save face?

If I desire the things of the Savior, my actions will follow.

Lessons of a 50 mile hike

2008-10-19T11:03:00.002-06:00

When I was 12 or 13 my scout troop joined in an event called a 50/20. The goal of a 50/20 was to walk 50 miles in 20 hours or less. Several hundred scouts started walking from the "This is the Place Monument" in Salt Lake about 6:00 PM. Those who made it finished on Center Street in Provo sometime the next afternoon.

Throughout the night we had cars meet our group with food and drink. Sometime around 3:00 AM, scouts started to drop out during these short breaks. By 6:00 AM, as the sun was almost ready to peek out and brighten the day, my dad and I were the last people from our group still walking. A truck pulled up for our next pit stop, and I gratefully grabbed a cup of hot chocolate. I walked around to the back of the truck, peering in I saw several of my friends wrapped up in a heap of blankets. They were warm, and they were asleep. I had never wanted anything so bad as to climb in that truck, curl up, and get my own rest. As I stared longingly at my snoring friends, my dad walked up to me, put his arm on my shoulder and said "Are you thinking about quitting?"

"Yes I am", was my quiet reply.

He looked thoughtful for a few minutes. Then gently grabbed my hand. "You've come way to far to quit now. Let's go." I followed him away from the truck and back on to the dark road. We finished that walk the next day in just over 19 hours. To this day I am proud of that accomplishment.

Years later as I struggled with the difficult changes I needed to make in my life. I have had many moments where I have looked at the task ahead and wanted to give up. Each time I have felt the Lords guidance telling me "You've come to far to quit now". He has been there for me every time I have been ready to give up.

Personal change can be difficult. But by putting one foot in front of the other, and never giving up, it happens. The Lord will guide us by the hand as long as we are willing to continue the journey. If we climb in the truck and give up, there is nothing he can do for us. The journey may be painful and will almost certainly be hard, but by continually pressing on in the faith of the Lord, we will reach our goal.

The Struggles of Addiction

2008-10-16T21:40:00.004-06:00

I haven't shared a lot specifically about my addiction and my recovery. I want this to be a place to share the ideas of personal change for all people looking to improve their life and live close to our Savior. However, I do think addiction recovery rates as one of the most difficult changes a person can make. Occasionally I would like to share some personal feelings about my recovery from addiction. My hope is that anyone dealing with trials, big or small, or attempting to turn their life to Christ can learn something from my difficult and painful journey.

I am full of gratitude tonight. You see, tonight is a night in which the old me would have struggled mightily to avoid the draw of pornography. I happen to be a big BYU fan, and in the past I have felt extreme frustration when BYU loses. To the point of feeling sorry for myself and feelings of anger. Frustration and self-pity are key triggers for me. I have realized over the past 22 years of addiction that when I am frustrated it is easy for me to turn to pornography to numb the pain.

Tonight BYU lost a football game. To make the situation even more dangerous, I am home alone. The combination of those things in the past would have been deadly to my spirit. But tonight I feel none of those familiar feelings. I feel no desire to turn to temptation. I feel no frustration or anger. I don't feel sorry for myself.

If I look honestly at the reasons those feelings are gone, I can't help but settle on the fact that it is a miracle of the Lord. One of his true tender mercies. The incredibly painful experiences of the past have each prepared me to understand the thoughts and ideas which lead me down the wrong path so many times. The Lord has blessed me to see those danger signs, and turn to him.

None of this is to say I am perfect or I have won. I have constant work to do every day (just like the Olympic Athlete) to ensure that I stay close to the Lord and listen to Him. I just am feeling very grateful tonight for a loving Savior who has taken me in his arms and blessed me. Not to mention an incredible wife who has stood by me and supported me.

I love my Savior. He has never left my side and has had faith in me through uncountable sins and relapses. Tonight I feel his love.

Lessons learned from Olympic Athletes

2008-10-13T21:27:00.003-06:00

What distinguishes Olympic athletes from Olympic spectators? Well, talent for one. But there are a lot of talented people and many athletes with amazing abilities. Some of those incredible athletes compete in the Olympics, while others, with perhaps as much natural talent, watch from home. What distinguishes one from the other?

It is the activities they choose every single day of their life. The elite athlete chooses hard work every day. A swimmer chooses to wake up at 5:00 AM to dive in the pool rather than sleep in. A hurdler chooses to get on the track rather than sitting in front of the TV. A gymnast often chooses to leave their family and work 8 hours a day on their tumbling skills.

What is the lesson for us? I believe their is something simple which determines those who have a close spiritual relationship with the Lord, and those who don't. What is it about people who can making lasting spiritual change in their lives and those who can't?

Like the Olympic champions, it is the activities they choose every day of their life. It is choosing to pay a full tithing in faith rather than hold something back, it is kneeling morning and night in a prayer of faith pleading for the Lords help, it is being immersed in the scriptures every day, it is faithfully fulfilling a calling.

The small choices I made throughout today will determine my closeness to the Savior and my ability to make lasting change as I recover from my addiction.

The Olympic Marathon is not won by the athlete who spends one week committing to out run every other athlete, and then rests on his laurels. It is won by the runner who gets up every single day and does what is necessary.

Lasting gospel change (including addiction recovery) is not made by the person who commits to one week of complete gospel dedication. It is made by the humble disciple who follows Christ in thousands of simple ways every day of his life.

Personal Change through Jesus Christ

2008-10-12T10:06:00.006-06:00

In many ways, our entire purpose in this life can be summed up in one word..."change". We are to be changed to become like our Savior. We are commanded to "be ye therefore perfect" (Matt. 5:48). We become perfect through a series of changes in our lives which lead us to this ultimate goal. Dallin H. Oaks said "the Final Judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts - what we have done. It as an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts - what we have become." (Ensign, Nov. 2000)

All of us have modifications we wish to make in our lives. Whether we desire to be more consistent in scripture study, improve kindness in our marriage, do a better job of home teaching, give more service, become a full tithe payer, remove a certain sin from our life, forgive another for a serious offense against us, or a thousand other important personal changes. What we become is a sum total of the key changes we make in our life.

Perhaps one of the most difficult changes a person can make is recovery from addiction. Addictions powerful grip makes change extremely hard. For this reason, I believe addiction recovery is a powerful metaphor for any gospel change we are attempting to make. The principles that lead out of addiction can be applied to any change with powerful results.

These principles, as taught in the Addiction Recovery Program, can be summed up in four thoughts.

1) Realize the need to change.
2) Admit that the change cannot be made without help.
3) Realize the Lord's help is the key to making the change.
4) Allow the Lord to change our nature by turning our will and life over to him.

I believe with all of my heart that applying these principles to any change will yield amazing results.

I hope that in sharing my story of recovery from addiction and the personal change it has required, others can see ways that may help with their own lasting personal change.

The Protection of The Holy Ghost

2008-10-09T07:39:00.005-06:00

When I was 12 years old, I loved to hike with my dad. On one of these numerous hikes, we were on a steep rock slide just below a 200 foot cliff. As we walked along, we heard rocks slipping at the top of the cliff. Immediately we both looked up to see rocks careening towards us. My dads first reaction was to push me towards the cliff and cover me up. In the process a rock glanced his head and another hit his back. Because of his protection I came away unscathed.

I have thought about that experience often. It reminds me of the role of the Holy Ghost. Among the many things the Holy Ghost will bring into my life, the protection of the Spirit is the blessing I pray for the most. I have been protected physically by the Holy Ghost, on one notable occasion I feel I was protected from a serious car accident by the promptings of the spirit. But more importantly, the Holy Ghost will protect me and you from spiritual danger.

I picture the Holy Ghost as my dad, protecting my spirit as rocks fall all around me. I have felt this protection as well. At times I have pushed it away. Either figuring I could make it out of temptation on my own (I can't) or not using the offered protection because I wanted to wallow in self-pity.

Speaking to children, Pres. Ezra Taft Benson said something that is applicable to all of us. "Pray to Heavenly Father to bless you with His Spirit at all times. We often call the Spirit the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost is also a gift from Heavenly Father. The Holy Ghost helps you to choose the right. The Holy Ghost will protect you from evil. He whispers to you in a still, small voice to do right. When you do good, you feel good, and that is the Holy Ghost speaking to you. The Holy Ghost is a wonderful companion. He is always there to help you."

I try to set accomplish two goals every day. First, to turn my life and will over to God, and second to actively work to keep the spirit in my life. The Lord has blessed me with a great shield known as the Holy Ghost, and I am grateful for it.

The parable of the wheelbarrow

2008-10-05T20:23:00.002-06:00

One day a man took a tightrope and stretched it across Niagara Falls. A crowd quickly gathered as the man walked out on the rope. He confidently took a few slow steps and then picked up the pace until he was in the middle of the rope. The crowd clapped at his daring and skill.

He stood in the middle, and suddenly executed a perfect cartwheel on the rope. This solicited more applause as the crowd watching grew larger. His next trick was a front flip, landing perfectly on the rope and never once losing balance. This truly impressed the crowd and they broke into full blown applause.

The man walked back to the edge of the canyon and grabbed a wheel barrow. He proceeded to push this wheel barrow out to the middle of the long rope. He stood there for a minute, and then did a hand stand with one hand, the other grasping the wheel barrow. The impressed crowd wondered what the next trick would be as the walker pushed the wheelbarrow back to the edge. He approached the crowd and singled out a man who was standing in front. This observer was enthusiastic in his cheering and whistling for the amazing stunts.

The performer looked at the man and asked "Do you believe I can push this wheelbarrow across the rope all the way to the other side of the falls?"

"Yes Sir, I do" came the reply.

The performer looked more solemn, and asked again "Do you truly believe I am capable of pushing this wheel barrow to the other side of this great, deep canyon?"

The man looked surprised by the question, but calmly stated "You are the most amazing tight rope walker I have ever seen. There is no doubt in my mind you can push the wheel barrow across the rope."

The tightrope walker bent down, picked up the handles, hefted the wheelbarrow and said "Good...climb in."

So it is with us. It is easy for me to believe God can change me. It is easy for me to believe if I follow the teachings of the prophet I will be blessed. It is easy for me to believe studying the scriptures every day will bless my life. It is often more difficult to live the principle or make the difficult change I know is required.

Faith without works is dead. Faith which includes a firm resolve to climb in whatever wheelbarrow is required of us, is alive and powerful.

But undaunted still he trusted...

2008-10-03T07:32:00.003-06:00

As Joseph Smith knelt to pray in the sacred grove, his heart was full of hope. He prayed in faith fully prepared to act on the answers he knew would come. Before he received the glorious vision, something interesting happened. He was "seized upon by some power which totally overcame me". In fact, the darkness was so thick, it seemed to him "as if I were doomed to sudden destruction." For most people, let alone a 14 year old boy, this would have been too much to bear.

I can relate to these feelings of Joseph Smith. There are times I have felt complete darkness gather around me. Perhaps not literal darkness like Joseph may have experienced, but spiritual darkness. I have felt the power of Satan as he has led me down the path of my addiction. I have felt near destruction, as if there was no hope for my soul.

What has been my reaction? Often I have felt sorry for myself. Wondering why this is happening to me. I have wanted to give up. There has even been anger that the Lord has abandoned me in my time of great need. The thought has been in my head "Lord, I have asked and asked for relief from this addiction, why am I still in darkness?"

Compare my thoughts to those of the Prophet Joseph Smith. "Exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me...". Joseph didn't feel sorry for himself. He didn't wallow in self pity or think "I can't ever do this, why am I trying." He turned to the Lord even more fully than before. He let his only thought be upon the Lord, knowing that whatever power had him in his grasp, God could save him. He cried to God until the very moment he felt he would be destroyed. At that moment of total despair, inches from losing everything, the light came and the word was changed forever.

What a lesson for me. Will I choose to give up when change doesn't come easily? Will I choose to feel sorry for myself when the buffetings of Satan come? Will I choose to turn away from the Lord just when I need him the most? Or will I face my trials and temptations by crying out to the Lord with every piece of my soul? I will commit to turn to him during every darkness and every trial until my own "pillar of light" appears. It is in darkness and struggle that I need him the most. Someday, perhaps it can be said of me as of Joseph..."But undaunted still he trusted, in his Heavenly Fathers care."

Capturing

2008-10-01T08:22:00.003-06:00

It was one of the darkest days of my pornography addiction. I had relapsed yet again. My wife had been supportive through multiple mistakes, but this time was just too much. She was struggling with all of the natural feelings that come from being married to a man who falls to this devastating addiction. I had to pick our dog up from the vet and I was moping around, feeling sorry for myself. There happened to be a Deseret Book next door, and something led me to walk in and browse. I was guided to a book called Clean Hands, Pure Heart, by Philip A. Harrison. Even in my dark mood, I recognized a glimmer of the spirit gently nudging me to buy the book and apply it.

As it turns out, the book is a terrific look at recovery from pornography addiction. More important for me, however; was a short principle in the Appendix called "capturing". Capturing transformed the way I approach the scriptures and has led me to insights I never thought were possible.

In nutshell, for me capturing looks like this:

1) I study the scriptures intently, looking for passages or verses that catch my attention or touch my heart.
2) I then jot the verse down, word for word. For me it is easiest to type it in a document.
3) I then record every thought and impression I get as I contemplate the verse. The longer I take to let the verse sink in and allow the spirit to talk to me, the more insight I seem to get.

That's it. Pretty simple. It is hard to quantify how much this simple process has improved my scripture study. Instead of trying to plow through the Book of Mormon so I can claim I am "done", I find myself thinking about each verse, searching for the meaning that applies to me.

One example of how this has looked for me may help. So here is a verse I "captured" recently.

Doctrine and Covenants 1:28
And inasmuch as they were humble they might be made strong
They key to strength is humility. Strength is not about building up powerful muscles so I am strong enough to resist temptation. It is about learning to rely on the Lord. Humility means accepting the fact that I cannot do it, but the Lord can. So if He can do it, why don't I let him. I am strong when I choose to follow what the Lord wants me to do. I am weak when I try to decide how the Lord should answer prayers or figure I don't need to listen to the things he asks me to do. Humility = strength. That is an incredibly powerful concept.

and blessed from on high,
With humility comes blessings from heaven. The concepts follow each other. If I become humble and rely on the Lord, I start to follow all of the things he asks me to do. As I do that, I gain his trust. He knows if he commands I will obey, which means he can provide me with more instruction and with that instructions comes great blessings.

and receive knowledge from time to time.
As I obey and humble myself before the Lord, I then am worthy and able to receive knowledge from him. The "pure knowledge" that Joseph Smith talked about. Boyd K. Packer mentioned that learning Doctrine will improve behavior more than learning about behavior will. Pure doctrine from the Lord will increase my humility and my reliance on the Lord, and also my strength in the Lord.

I still have a lot of progress to make in studying the scriptures. There is so much power there. I hope I can continue to grow. But capturing has been a powerful tool for me to understand and learn from the scriptures. Perhaps most importantly, the Lord has been able to speak to me as I focus on learning his word.

Turning my life and will over to God

2008-09-30T07:46:00.006-06:00

Step 3 of the LDS services addiction recovery program reads: "Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ." As a recovering addict, I attempt to make that choice every day of my life. Thinking beyond the crucial change of addiction recovery, however; it seems to me that step 3 really is the answer to all of the important changes I need to make.

For example, throughout my life I have studied the scriptures sporadically. A scripture study habit is a basic change that I know will bless me with gospel knowledge, spiritual growth, and divine guidance. So what is the secret to making that change? I don't know that there is a secret, but I do believe the principle of turning my life and will over to Jesus Christ will provide me guidance.

I have found that I can pray with a simple question, i.e. "Father, what is thy will will for me? What would thou have me do to develop a habit of feasting on the scriptures every day? Whatever thou will have me do, I will do."

I find two things happen when I ask a question such as that. First, I always get an answer if I listen. It may not come that second, but it does come. Second, following that prompting leads me to find ability in myself I did not know was there.

Sometimes the prompting is unexpected. When I asked the above question, I was prompted to read a book that had been on my shelf for months. The book had nothing in particular to do with scripture study, but it lead me to an understanding of "capturing". Capturing has changed the way I approach the scriptures and has brought new meaning to my study.

Is change simple? No. Especially the big changes that I know I need to make in my life. But a simple pattern of turning my life and will over to my Savior every single day, has been the one absolute I can count on to slowly develop the changes my soul requires.