A Call in the Middle of the Night

I was dead asleep last night, and I received a call from a friend in one of my support groups. He had slipped up, and was calling for support. I could feel the pain in his voice as he talked about acting out. I could feel the pain he felt at knowing he had to tell his wife. I could feel his despair.

I've been there, I know the pain. There is so much hopelessness that comes with acting out. I know this friend well, and I know how hard he is working on his recovery. That hard work pays great dividends, but at the moment of the mistake, it can all feel like wasted effort. The thought "Will I ever change?" keeps ringing through the ears.

But the fact that he was picking up the phone, to admit his mistakes and talk about where to go next demonstrates his progress. Rather than sweeping his mistake under the rug, he was standing up as a man to admit he had done wrong. That is absolutely crucial to recovery, and I admire his courage. It's so easy to rationalize not making the call. 'Oh it's the middle of the night' or 'I've already acted out, what's the use'. This man had the courage to pick up the phone and address his weakness.

I feel for his wife too. This morning she is going to be told she has been betrayed again. There will be a lot of pain and a lot of tears in their house this morning.

This is a terrible addiction. It causes immense pain in so many people, and can lead to questioning every belief ever held. The only solution I know of is to turn out right than turn in. Turn to other people, turn to God, turn to unselfishness. Otherwise, it's just all pain.

Positive

Just a quick check in to report that I feel good...well wait, part of my recovery work has been identifying emotions beyond just using the words "good" or "fine".  So I'll say I feel...."Optimistic".

I had a bit of a tough day yesterday emotionally and with temptation. Nothing specific brought it on, I just struggled all day with feeling up and down emotions and with some desire to act out. Instead of internalizing all of these feelings (my usual action), I talked to my wife. She was helpful, hopeful, and made me laugh and feel loved.  All of which were a huge help for me.

I also had a good friend in recovery call me to talk about some resentfulness he was trying to get rid of. Being able to listen to someone else, and perhaps provide a little support and compassion, got me away from being focused on myself.

In the end, I went to bed feeling like it was a successful day. I felt peace. So unlike how I feel when I get frustrated and act out.

It was just 24 hours.  But it was 24 hours. And that's how a new life is built.

A Web Community

I just wanted to share an online community which has been helpful to me in my recovery. At NPSupport.net you will find several online forums which provide support for addicts, spouses of addicts, and other resources designed to help those trying to over come this very painful addiction.

It's worth a look, I've found both great advice, and stories which have strengthened my hope and my resolve. It's not for the faint of heart, however. The people in the forums tend to be extremely honest. They will call others out if they sense rationalization or a lock of commitment to recovery.

There is no recovery without full commitment to what it takes to recover. The people in the forums have learned that from sad experience, and they try to help others see it as well.

Anyway, give it a try. Go to NPSupport.net, take a look around, learn from others experiences, and share some of your own. There is power in groups of people trying to overcome.

Surrender - Part 1

This is a hard post for me to write, because I'm not sure I understand the concept of surrender entirely. Forgive me as I try to sort through my thoughts in writing.

There seem to be many elements to the concept of "Surrender" in recovery. The big Surrender is step 3:
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

For me, this step has always seemed attainable yet distant. How exactly do I surrender all to God? I can easily get overwhelmed.

So I begin to break down surrender. WHAT is it I am supposed to surrender? What do I need to give up?

Well, that's a long list...pride, selfishness, lust, resentfulness, self-pity, procrastination, fantasy...we could be here all day.

When these negative emotions or thoughts pop-up into my life, my initial reaction is to fight them.  If a lustful thought pops into my head, everything I've learned in church/life has taught me "Fight it. Yell at the thought to get out. Use your force of will to remove the thought." I can't speak for all, but for this addict, that principle doesn't work. Even the famous "Sing a hymn to remove the thought" is a form of fighting the thought. These methods may work temporarily, but the thought nearly always comes back, and usually with more force.

Is there a better way? A more effective way?

Surrender

This is how Surrender looks to me in this situation. The lustful thought comes, and rather than screaming at it to leave, I can accept that the thought is in my head. Accept that just because I have a thought does not make me evil, nor does it mean I have to act on that thought. This thinking, immediately removes the power this thought has over me.

Then I can surrender that thought. I can surrender it to God. I can surrender it to my Sponsor or another friend in recovery. I can tell God "I am lusting right now. I know the thought doesn't control or define me, but I don't want this thought in my head. I surrender it to you."

I can then follow this up with a technique that may sound new age, but has proven extremely effective for me. I close my eyes, and focus on my breathing, and then imagine my breath blowing through the thought, dissipating the thought as I breathe deeply.

I should also add, in the spirit of honesty, it has not often been enough for me to just say a prayer. If the thought is persistent, or if I am feeling especially resentful, I need to pick up the phone and tell someone exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe that's because God manifests himself in the loving ear of another, but that type of surrender is truly effective for me.

I've heard the "Just don't think that, just get ride of the thought" line a million times in a million ways. And I've always wondered why that doesn't work for me.  Am I defective?  Well, I do know I'm an addict, and for an addict it takes Surrender.

 Over and over.

A Quote to Keep Me Going

“No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We
shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are already, the towels put out, the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose ones temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us: it is the very sign of His presence (CS Lewis, as quoted in Glaspey, Not a Tame Lion, p. 189.)

Falling down sucks. 

Getting up is not easy.

In fact, there are times I'm not sure I can even get up. I often feel hopeless and defeated.

Yet one mercy the Lord has blessed me with is a knowledge that the only way I truly lose is to give up and stay face down in the mud.

I fell once again 6 days ago. And the pain was exquisite.

Today, thanks to a loving, courageous wife, and a God who loves me, I am at least back to my knees and trying to move forward.

Addiction Recovery Playlist

Music has a powerful impact on me, as I'm sure it does on many of you. Over the last several months I have developed an Addiction Recovery Playlist, with songs that impact me with regards to my recovery from addiction.

It's ended up being a pretty interesting group of songs. You'll find songs of hope, songs of pain, songs of relationships lost, songs to bring out the fighter in me, and songs directly about addiction.

Here's my list:
Today My World Slipped Away - George Strait
I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
Love the Way You Lie - Eminem
Not Afraid - Eminem
That's Why I'm Here - Kenny Chesney
She's Everything - Brad Paisley
You Were Mine - Dixie Chicks
Not An Addict - K's Choice
You're Not My God - Keith Urban
I'd Like to Have That One Back - George Strait
Fine Again - Seether
Godless - U.P.O.
The Needle and The Damage Done - Neil Young
Don't Damn Me - Guns N' Roses
Peace Train - Cat Stevens
Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
Only God Knows Why - Kid Rock
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
No More - Neil Young
Why Me Lord - Johnny Cash
One Day At a Time - Lynda Randle
Save Me - Unwritten Law
Pieces - Sum 41
The Day I Tried to Live - Soundgarden
Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
Easier to Run - Linkin Park
Clean - Depeche Mode
What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong
Thank U - Alanis Morrisette
Whatever it Takes - Lifehouse
I Can See Clearly Now - Jimmy Cliff
With a Little Help From My Friends - Joe Cocker
Walking in Memphis - Marc Cohn
Feeling Good - Michel Buble
The Best Is Yet To Come - Frank Sinatra
You Gotta Be - Des'ree
Tougher Than the Rest - Chris Ledoux
He Must Have Really Hurt You Bad - George Strait
Little Rock - Collin Raye
Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Hate Me - Blue October
She Used to be Mine - Brooks & Dunn
The Wrestler - Bruce Springsteen
No Surrender - Bruce Springsteen
Better Days - Bruce Springsteen
Gravity - A Perfect Circle
To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens
Stay Strong - Newsboys
True Life - Lights of Euphoria
How Great Thou Art - Carrie Underwood
Be Still My Soul - David Tolk
I need Thee Every Hour - David Tolk
The Test - Janice Kapp Perry
Hurt - Johnny Cash
No Time to Kill - Clint Black
Mama Tried - Merle Haggard
Don't Know What You Got - Cinderella
Collide - Howie Day
Fix You - Coldplay
When I Call Your Name - Vince Gill
Lost Cause - Beck
My Immortal - Evanescence
I'm Lost Without You - Blink 182
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
I Would Change My Life - Robert Earl Keen, Jr.
Ball and Chain - Social Distortion
How a Resurrection Really Feels - The Hold Steady
Amazing Grace - Dropkick Murphy's
If I Needed You - Don Williams
Be Still, My Soul - Eclipse
Weak and Powerless - A perfect Circle
Drinkin' Man - George Strait
Beautiful - Mercyme
Bring the Rain - Mercyme
I Can Only Imagine - Mercyme
Best is Yet To Come - Red
Fight Inside - Red
Take It All Away - Red
My Way to You - James Johnson
High Cost of Living - James Johnson
Into the Sun - The Parlor Mob

Connection

I need connection. I crave connection. Right down to my core I desire the emotional intimacy that comes from a true connection. And yet, the actions of addiction often drive connection from my life. This happens in obvious ways, i.e. a healthy marriage relationship can't survive addictive behavior.  But it happens in more subtle ways as well. Generally sex addicts do not make a good friend. I am generalizing a bit here, but our learned selfishness does not contribute to a positive relationship. In addiction, sex addiction, especially pornography addiction, revels in isolation. Unlike alcoholics, our acting out is often done alone...in fact finding alone time is often one of our key rituals leading to acting out.

All of this to say, there is a reason group work is so effective when dealing with addiction. Groups lead addicts to interact, and hopefully connect, with others.

For me this has become one of the key challenges of my recovery. Yes I crave connection and acceptance, yet I also push it away. But lately I have found myself with some friends from my recovery groups who won't let me push them away. They insist on being a part of my life. They insist on knowing me as I am, and still liking me ( a miracle). They insist on not criticizing me. They come from a place of pain themselves, and because they know the depths I've felt, they come to me with open arms and limitless understanding.

My challenge is to let them in. And I find it's amazing how difficult that simple concept is. I still struggle with the thought that anybody could care for me just as I am. I struggle with the thought that these friends will abandon me too once they "really" know me.

I have to let those guards down and let these good men in. They want to be my friend, not just to help me, but just to be my friend. And I want to be theirs. Why is that a battle?  Likely only other addicts will understand, but my vow is to feel real connection. Allow it into my life, and help others find it in theirs.

Poem #2

The path of my life is strewn with destruction

from the lies I have told

to the hearts I have torn

There's my parents who love me and want my success

yet continually ache for the life I have led

Their support is unbending, but deep in their hearts

they question their role in creating my pain

There's my daughter who's life was turned upside down

when the daddy who kissed her each night before sleep

was no longer there as addiction took it's toll

and ended a marriage which was all her life knew

The marriage I have now ,a blessing beyond measure
 has also been stained by the pain
trust shattered, safety destroyed, covenants mocked
until her very foundation seems to shake when she walks

The damage must stop, the destruction must end
only one path leads to a more peaceful place
recovery. sanity. sobriety.
Healing.
 

Recovery Quote

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

 - Thurber, James

So much wisdom in that quote for a recovering addict.  Learning the skill of the living in the moment is a real challenge for me. I leave to either beat myself up for the past, or be scared to death of messing up again in the future.  And that's when I am in my sane, recovery mindset. When I'm in addiction mode I can only think about the memories of past hits, and dream about the a future hit.

Finding the ability to live in the moment is empowering. Learning to recognize that a temptation is just that...a temptation. It doesn't mean my past will always haunt me, nor does it mean I will always fall to addiction. It's just a temptation in the moment. If I can see it in that light, it gives the temptation so much less power.

The same goes for my emotions. If I feel a difficult emotion, such as frustration, it will pass. However if I view it as an indicator of what my life will "always" be like, it's much harder to deal with.

Live in the moment. Realize that the moment will pass. Be aware of how I'm feeling in the moment. These are all skills I'm trying to develop. They are all skills critical to recovery for me.

- 16 days of sobriety.

An Update

It has really been a difficult few months. I had a prolonged period of sobriety, about 95 days, which ended in November. Since that time I have been bouncing around between working on recovery, feeling in complete despair, and lying about where I am in my progress. To say it's been a very difficult few months is understating it. It has been difficult for me and for my wife.

My faith has been shaken deeply over the past few months. I know faith and hope are the one things I cannot lose, but having faith in the face of such devastating mistakes is a difficult thing. I am working actively to keep my faith strong. At times it feels like a losing battle but it's a battle that must be fought. I won't give up faith.

I have to face the fact that my lying has gotten out of control as well. Over the past few months I lied to my wife and to my bishop. Bald faced lies. Deception is at least a big a part of this addiction as looking at pornography and chatting with women online. If I can commit to be honest, I believe the addiction would slowly die from starvation.

So I'm here, I'm writing, I'm working recovery...and trying to keep my head up. Lessons learned are extremely painful, but the pain is worth nothing if I don't learn from it.

15 days of sobriety.

Marriage - again

I really love my wife. And yet my actions often show the exact opposite.

Marriage requires trust above all else. And yet I destroy trust on a consistent basis.

Working to recover from addition and repair a marriage is tough work. But it's also the most important work I can do.

These are the reasons that the Savior must be a partner in both recovery and healing.

Mindset

Been reading an interesting book lately called Mindset, by Carol Dweck. The premise of the book is that individuals have one of two basic mindsets.

First is the mindset that our traits, personality, characteristics, and talents are basically set. We are who we are, and we can't change that much. For example, if I am a poor writer it's just simply a talent I don't have. I'm not a natural born writer, and therefore will not be able to write for a living.

The second mindset is a growth mindset. No matter what our characteristic or personality or talent now, this mindset says they can always be improved. This mindset says, if I'm not a good writer now, through hard work, effort, and learning I can become an excellent writer.

The interesting thing about the two mindsets is how much  having the second mindset can contribute to success. The author has done meticulous studies which show how much the second mindset drives our ability to improve and achieve remarkable results.

The first mindset leads us to think of failures as devastating. "If I can't improve, and I fail, that must mean I am doomed to always fail.

While the second mindset sees failure as an opportunity to get better. "If I failed now, that means I'm learning, so I'll try again and learn from each mistake"

It's remarkable how much these two mindsets can play into addiction. I think it's safe to say that most addicts come from mindset #1. We often say to ourselves (sub-consciously)
"I'm stuck in this addiction. No matter what choices I made to get here, there is now no way out. It is who I am, it's a weakness of mine, part of my in-born traits, and there really isn't anything I can do about it".

But the second mindset is the the way of thinking the Twelve Steps teach us. It teaches that growth comes from admitting our mistakes, seeing that there is a way out, and then living every day to improve ourselves and turn ourselves to the Lord. It teaches that through righteous action and positive daily effort, we can improve those traits that led us into addiction.

I know I for one suffer from the first mindset in a severe way. I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my thoughts with growth mindsets thoughts, thoughts that will lead me to truly believe I can make improvements and overcome addiction.

Recovery Meetings

I can't figure out if this post should go under the topic of "whining" or "getting it off my chest" or perhaps more optimistically "constructive criticism".

I attend weekly meetings at the LDS Family Services addiction recovery meetings. These meetings have been a powerful tool in my recovery efforts. They are patterned after SA meetings, yet follow gospel principles to allow the spirit and gospel truth to help is in our recovery.

Lately, the meetings have undergone some changes. Most of which I am struggling to reconcile. My brief summary of each one and my feelings about them:

1) We are not allowed to clap after a person shares their days of sobriety. This one perhaps doesn't seem like a big deal. But unless you've been an addict who struggles to make it through even one day without acting out, it's hard to understand just how good it feels to have a group of men clapping for your honest efforts to be sober. Be it one day of sobriety or 800, the clapping for my brothers and their recovery efforts was on of my favorite parts of the meeting. I'm not sure what damage this caused or what the reason for removing it from the program, but I sincerely miss it.

2) Closely tied to #1, the program no longer gives out tokens for sobriety landmarks. Small tokens were given out such as a CTR ring for 30 days, a tie tack for 90 days, a plaque for 180 days, and a painting of the savior for one year.  Again, for those of us who are addicts, seeing ourselves as being worth celebrating is very difficult. We often see ourselves as not worthy of any praise. These small tokens meant a lot, and it's a shame they are no longer allowed.

3) This one is the issue I have struggled with the most. We are no longer allowed to introduce ourselves as "Recovering addicts from pornography" (or sexual sins, or lust, or anything else specific). We must only say "I am a recovering addict". My issue here is simple. For many of us biggest gain we get from going to these meetings is removing the shame we feel about our addiction. We see that there is hope of recovery. Removing that shame is a crucial part of recovery. Now, it seems that the recovery meetings are basically telling us that we should be ashamed of the type of addict we are, so ashamed that we aren't even allowed to say it in a group of other addicts.

There.  I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

Ups and Downs

I've struggled lately, with a lot of things. I slipped up a few months ago. It wasn't a big slip up, until I compounded it by not being honest about it. Instead I tried to sweep it under the rug and hope no one, especially my wife, wouldn't find out. I don't know how long it will take me to learn that this method doesn't work, and is in fact very damaging.  But apparently I haven't learned the lesson yet.

The trouble with this kind of dishonesty is that the lying probably hurts my wife more than the actual acting out. Just as important, I can't really regain my focus on recovery until I am being honest about my sobriety days and what I've done. So I'm held back in the two areas of my life that need the most work. My relationship with my wife, and my efforts to gain recovery from my addiction to pornography.

That is the down side. Still struggling with both recovery and sobriety, and still struggling with honesty.

The good side. When my wife confronted me with what she knew, it caused some really deep reflection on my part. Instead of insisting I was "doing better" I tried to honestly look at where I was in relation to recovery. This wasn't pleasant. The truth is painful. Over the last 12 months I have regressed. However, returning to Step 1 and admitting honestly where I am is the first step to getting better.

So now I feel on an upward slope. Gaining some ground and feeling better about myself.

It seems to be an endless roller coaster.

One day at a time.

Fulfilling Our Duty

Sometimes there are blessings just for showing up.

This morning was General Priesthood meeting in our stake. Started at 7:00 AM, and while I wake up early nearly every morning, for some reason this morning it was extremely difficult to wake up and go. Even after I showered I wanted to crawl back in bed.

But through it all one thought kept running through my head:

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33

I need a lot of things "added unto" me. Not the least of which is a healing from an addiction that threatens to destroy my life. But as the scripture says, it's my job to seek the kingdom of God first. And laying in bed on a cold winters morning, when my duty was to be in a meeting, is definitely not putting the kingdom of God first in my life.

So I braved the winter storm and I went.

I wish I could say I was greatly inspired and the meeting contained the keys to happiness for the rest of my life. It was a good meeting, but nothing particularly stood out. But as I set here this morning I feel a calm and a peace, simply because I showed up when I was supposed to.

Baby steps.

Life is Busy

My life is extremely busy right now. Between a demanding job, kids, family, marriage, and school, my wife and I do not lack for ways to spend our time. This may sound like a complaint, but as I think about it, I don't think it is.

For an addict like myself, I think busy is good. Keeping my time occupied is fulfilling and productive. Being productive is the complete opposite of acting out in addiction. When I'm acting out, I am destroying rather than producing. So when I am being productive and active, it gives me a natural high rather than the chemical 'fake' high I get from pornography.

Still, there are some challenges that come with being so busy. There are activities which I know will benefit me that are hard to fit in. Exercise, writing, spending time on recovery efforts all fall into this category. Not to mention that I enjoy cooking and wish I had the time to cook more healthy foods for our family.

Add on to all of that the simple fact that a strong marriage takes a lot of quality time together. When a marriage has been damaged the way ours has, it takes even more time. This is time I freely want to give. I want to do what it takes to build our marriage. But again, it's easy for the busyness of life to overwhelm even our best intentions in that regard.

So I am trying to manage my time wisely and with the guidance of the spirit. I don't always do it right, in fact I may be wrong more than I am right. But as a classic addict, the one thing I need to avoid is getting down on myself because things don't always go perfect.

I wake up everyday early, and I try to be as productive as possible, and for not...that feels like the right approach.

Lessons of Travel

I have a job which requires a fair amount of travel. I actually enjoy traveling, I like seeing new cities and I love spending time with clients. However, many of my mistakes have been while I have been on the road. It seems that the down time, combined with being away from home just adds up to serious issues for me.

Naturally this causes great concern from my wife whenever I have to travel, to the point that it becomes difficult for us to even really talk about my travel.

Well, I am on another trip now. I know it's hard for her. And I also know travel has been hard for me in the past. The last thing I want to do right now is make a mistake.  Sobriety stands at 32 days, and feels great.

So what lessons am I learning which will help me on this trip? Well, first of all, I am recognizing that this is a time of weakness. I prayed to my Father in Heaven as I drove this morning, specifically asking for strength over the next three days. Acknowledging that I am weak, and asking him for the strength that I do not have.

Amazing things happen when I recognize my weakness and ask Him for strength. He blesses me.  He strengthens me. He helps me feel his love.

So here I am, in a hotel room, feeling the love of the Lord and the support of my wife. And you know what? I feel like a clear thinking, rational, non-insane person. I feel like someone who can actually travel and not have it turn into some porn watching binge. Is this how normal people feel? 

All I do know is, today has been a good day. And tomorrow morning I will wake up, acknowledge my powerlessness, turn my will over to my Savior, and ask Him for strength one more day.

Exercise

I don't handle stress well.

Maybe you are saying "Yeah, neither do I".  But I really REALLY don't handle stress well.

As in, when things turn stressful I often turn to images and chats that go completely against everything I believe. These actions have nearly destroyed my life. For 26 years I have medicated my stress to a point of numbness with sexual imagery.

So as part of recovery I have had to learn basic stress coping skills. One of the most effective that I have found is exercise.

Because I get our kids ready for school in the morning, I have to get up at 5:00 AM if I want to exercise.  This fact has held me back for a long time, even though I know how much I benefit mentally when I exercise regularly. 

Rather than use this as an excuse, I have decided that this year I need to make it happen. Ever since the first of the year I have got up 5 days a week, including Saturday, to exercise.  And you know what?  It works. I feel more fresh mentally. I feel better able to cope with stress. I feel healthier and happier.

Exercise doesn't solve all my problems, but right now it is a key to the mental stability I need to deal with all of the difficulties my actions have caused.

Life

Life goes on, and it's going fairly well. I stand at 26 days of sobriety.

Recovery is an interesting thing. It can consumer my life, and yet I have to continue to live life as well. Things are extremely busy in our family. Our kids are active with a lot of activities. Work is busy for me and my wife. I am going back to school to finish up some of that work. All of it adds up to not a lot of free time.

In addition to that, I am trying to exercise every day. Plus, I have an incredible wife and I am trying to work on that relationship. So at times it feels like recovery work can take a back seat. One of the things I am not good at is balance. Right now I am trying to figure out the correct balance in my life.

I'm not discouraged, and in fact I feel like many areas of my life are going well, including my spiritual life and my recovery. But I have failed in recovery so many times, that it becomes easy for me to question what I am doing.

I need to hit this weird combination of living life without stressing about the addiction every minute, and focusing enough on recovery to make the progress I need to make.

It's not easy. But then, real growth is never easy right?

Marriage and Pornography Addiction

Addiction is tough on a marriage. That is a pretty obvious statement I'm sure, but until you are in the middle of trying to recover from an addiction and repair a marriage, I don't know if you can understand just how much pain an addiction causes. And a sexual addiction only increases the strain and stress on a relationship.

Why is addiction, and sexual addiction in particular, so painful and devastating to a marriage? Some reasons are obvious, some perhaps are not. I put some thought into this question and from my experience, here are a few answers.

1) The feeling of being cheated on
Even though in many pornography addictions there is no actual physical acting out with another person, the feeling of infidelity is the same. Spouses of addicts feel as if their mate is going outside their marriage for sexual satisfaction.  These feelings can be just as real as if their spouse had an affair, and just as painful.

2) Dishonesty
Addiction nearly always brings with it half truths, deceptions, and outright lying. Eventually a spouse gets lied to so often that they start to question everything the addict says. They wonder if anything the addict has ever said is true, including "I love you".

3) Emotional Immaturity
I can't speak for all addicts, but I know for me, and for many, the addiction developed at a young age. It replaced many of the productive strategies youth learn to develop meaningful emotional relationships. Instead of developing these skills, I was too busy building "relationships" with porn. I did not learn to share my emotions, or even deal with them. In a marriage, these emotional skills are crucial to developing intimacy.  Being married to someone who lacks these skills can be a very lonely place.

4) Emotional Distance
Closely related to #3 is the fact that whenever the addict is tied up in planning to act out, or thinking about acting out, or acting out, or fantasizing about the chance to act out, they almost always withdraw emotionally. This can cause a difficult roller coaster affect, where the spouse wonders what happened. Things in the marriage were going well, and suddenly their spouse withdraws for seemingly no reason.

5) The Need to be Supportive
This is one of the more subtle strains that an addiction puts on a marriage, but also one of the most difficult. Addicts need support, it is one the most crucial aspects to recovery. Some of the best support comes from the people love the addict the most. Nobody is in a better position to support and build up the addict than their spouse. Yet, the spouse is also generally the one who is the most hurt by acting out. It's nearly impossible to be supportive of an addicts recovery, when their acting out cuts so deeply. This causes great strain on a relationship, where the spouse feels like they want to support, but is emotionally unable to because of the pain. And the addict knows the pains they have caused, yet needs the unconditional support of their spouse.

6) A Feeling of Inadequacy
No matter how much a spouse understands in their mind that they did not cause, nor can they stop, an addiction, the feelings of not being good enough are nearly impossible to suppress. A sexual addiction can cause the spouse to feel unattractive, not good enough, too out of shape, and a million other negative feelings.

I'm sure this list is not exhaustive, but I do think it covers much of the pain caused by an addiction in marriage.

How to solve all of these issues?  Well...if you know, I hope you'll tell me.  Because they are not easy problems to solve. But I do know that it takes a concerted effort and a lot of thoughtfulness.