Poem #2

The path of my life is strewn with destruction

from the lies I have told

to the hearts I have torn

There's my parents who love me and want my success

yet continually ache for the life I have led

Their support is unbending, but deep in their hearts

they question their role in creating my pain

There's my daughter who's life was turned upside down

when the daddy who kissed her each night before sleep

was no longer there as addiction took it's toll

and ended a marriage which was all her life knew

The marriage I have now ,a blessing beyond measure
 has also been stained by the pain
trust shattered, safety destroyed, covenants mocked
until her very foundation seems to shake when she walks

The damage must stop, the destruction must end
only one path leads to a more peaceful place
recovery. sanity. sobriety.
Healing.
 

Recovery Quote

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

 - Thurber, James

So much wisdom in that quote for a recovering addict.  Learning the skill of the living in the moment is a real challenge for me. I leave to either beat myself up for the past, or be scared to death of messing up again in the future.  And that's when I am in my sane, recovery mindset. When I'm in addiction mode I can only think about the memories of past hits, and dream about the a future hit.

Finding the ability to live in the moment is empowering. Learning to recognize that a temptation is just that...a temptation. It doesn't mean my past will always haunt me, nor does it mean I will always fall to addiction. It's just a temptation in the moment. If I can see it in that light, it gives the temptation so much less power.

The same goes for my emotions. If I feel a difficult emotion, such as frustration, it will pass. However if I view it as an indicator of what my life will "always" be like, it's much harder to deal with.

Live in the moment. Realize that the moment will pass. Be aware of how I'm feeling in the moment. These are all skills I'm trying to develop. They are all skills critical to recovery for me.

- 16 days of sobriety.

An Update

It has really been a difficult few months. I had a prolonged period of sobriety, about 95 days, which ended in November. Since that time I have been bouncing around between working on recovery, feeling in complete despair, and lying about where I am in my progress. To say it's been a very difficult few months is understating it. It has been difficult for me and for my wife.

My faith has been shaken deeply over the past few months. I know faith and hope are the one things I cannot lose, but having faith in the face of such devastating mistakes is a difficult thing. I am working actively to keep my faith strong. At times it feels like a losing battle but it's a battle that must be fought. I won't give up faith.

I have to face the fact that my lying has gotten out of control as well. Over the past few months I lied to my wife and to my bishop. Bald faced lies. Deception is at least a big a part of this addiction as looking at pornography and chatting with women online. If I can commit to be honest, I believe the addiction would slowly die from starvation.

So I'm here, I'm writing, I'm working recovery...and trying to keep my head up. Lessons learned are extremely painful, but the pain is worth nothing if I don't learn from it.

15 days of sobriety.

Marriage - again

I really love my wife. And yet my actions often show the exact opposite.

Marriage requires trust above all else. And yet I destroy trust on a consistent basis.

Working to recover from addition and repair a marriage is tough work. But it's also the most important work I can do.

These are the reasons that the Savior must be a partner in both recovery and healing.

Mindset

Been reading an interesting book lately called Mindset, by Carol Dweck. The premise of the book is that individuals have one of two basic mindsets.

First is the mindset that our traits, personality, characteristics, and talents are basically set. We are who we are, and we can't change that much. For example, if I am a poor writer it's just simply a talent I don't have. I'm not a natural born writer, and therefore will not be able to write for a living.

The second mindset is a growth mindset. No matter what our characteristic or personality or talent now, this mindset says they can always be improved. This mindset says, if I'm not a good writer now, through hard work, effort, and learning I can become an excellent writer.

The interesting thing about the two mindsets is how much  having the second mindset can contribute to success. The author has done meticulous studies which show how much the second mindset drives our ability to improve and achieve remarkable results.

The first mindset leads us to think of failures as devastating. "If I can't improve, and I fail, that must mean I am doomed to always fail.

While the second mindset sees failure as an opportunity to get better. "If I failed now, that means I'm learning, so I'll try again and learn from each mistake"

It's remarkable how much these two mindsets can play into addiction. I think it's safe to say that most addicts come from mindset #1. We often say to ourselves (sub-consciously)
"I'm stuck in this addiction. No matter what choices I made to get here, there is now no way out. It is who I am, it's a weakness of mine, part of my in-born traits, and there really isn't anything I can do about it".

But the second mindset is the the way of thinking the Twelve Steps teach us. It teaches that growth comes from admitting our mistakes, seeing that there is a way out, and then living every day to improve ourselves and turn ourselves to the Lord. It teaches that through righteous action and positive daily effort, we can improve those traits that led us into addiction.

I know I for one suffer from the first mindset in a severe way. I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my thoughts with growth mindsets thoughts, thoughts that will lead me to truly believe I can make improvements and overcome addiction.

Recovery Meetings

I can't figure out if this post should go under the topic of "whining" or "getting it off my chest" or perhaps more optimistically "constructive criticism".

I attend weekly meetings at the LDS Family Services addiction recovery meetings. These meetings have been a powerful tool in my recovery efforts. They are patterned after SA meetings, yet follow gospel principles to allow the spirit and gospel truth to help is in our recovery.

Lately, the meetings have undergone some changes. Most of which I am struggling to reconcile. My brief summary of each one and my feelings about them:

1) We are not allowed to clap after a person shares their days of sobriety. This one perhaps doesn't seem like a big deal. But unless you've been an addict who struggles to make it through even one day without acting out, it's hard to understand just how good it feels to have a group of men clapping for your honest efforts to be sober. Be it one day of sobriety or 800, the clapping for my brothers and their recovery efforts was on of my favorite parts of the meeting. I'm not sure what damage this caused or what the reason for removing it from the program, but I sincerely miss it.

2) Closely tied to #1, the program no longer gives out tokens for sobriety landmarks. Small tokens were given out such as a CTR ring for 30 days, a tie tack for 90 days, a plaque for 180 days, and a painting of the savior for one year.  Again, for those of us who are addicts, seeing ourselves as being worth celebrating is very difficult. We often see ourselves as not worthy of any praise. These small tokens meant a lot, and it's a shame they are no longer allowed.

3) This one is the issue I have struggled with the most. We are no longer allowed to introduce ourselves as "Recovering addicts from pornography" (or sexual sins, or lust, or anything else specific). We must only say "I am a recovering addict". My issue here is simple. For many of us biggest gain we get from going to these meetings is removing the shame we feel about our addiction. We see that there is hope of recovery. Removing that shame is a crucial part of recovery. Now, it seems that the recovery meetings are basically telling us that we should be ashamed of the type of addict we are, so ashamed that we aren't even allowed to say it in a group of other addicts.

There.  I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

Ups and Downs

I've struggled lately, with a lot of things. I slipped up a few months ago. It wasn't a big slip up, until I compounded it by not being honest about it. Instead I tried to sweep it under the rug and hope no one, especially my wife, wouldn't find out. I don't know how long it will take me to learn that this method doesn't work, and is in fact very damaging.  But apparently I haven't learned the lesson yet.

The trouble with this kind of dishonesty is that the lying probably hurts my wife more than the actual acting out. Just as important, I can't really regain my focus on recovery until I am being honest about my sobriety days and what I've done. So I'm held back in the two areas of my life that need the most work. My relationship with my wife, and my efforts to gain recovery from my addiction to pornography.

That is the down side. Still struggling with both recovery and sobriety, and still struggling with honesty.

The good side. When my wife confronted me with what she knew, it caused some really deep reflection on my part. Instead of insisting I was "doing better" I tried to honestly look at where I was in relation to recovery. This wasn't pleasant. The truth is painful. Over the last 12 months I have regressed. However, returning to Step 1 and admitting honestly where I am is the first step to getting better.

So now I feel on an upward slope. Gaining some ground and feeling better about myself.

It seems to be an endless roller coaster.

One day at a time.