Music has a powerful impact on me, as I'm sure it does on many of you. Over the last several months I have developed an Addiction Recovery Playlist, with songs that impact me with regards to my recovery from addiction.
It's ended up being a pretty interesting group of songs. You'll find songs of hope, songs of pain, songs of relationships lost, songs to bring out the fighter in me, and songs directly about addiction.
Here's my list:
Today My World Slipped Away - George Strait
I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
Love the Way You Lie - Eminem
Not Afraid - Eminem
That's Why I'm Here - Kenny Chesney
She's Everything - Brad Paisley
You Were Mine - Dixie Chicks
Not An Addict - K's Choice
You're Not My God - Keith Urban
I'd Like to Have That One Back - George Strait
Fine Again - Seether
Godless - U.P.O.
The Needle and The Damage Done - Neil Young
Don't Damn Me - Guns N' Roses
Peace Train - Cat Stevens
Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
Only God Knows Why - Kid Rock
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
No More - Neil Young
Why Me Lord - Johnny Cash
One Day At a Time - Lynda Randle
Save Me - Unwritten Law
Pieces - Sum 41
The Day I Tried to Live - Soundgarden
Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
Easier to Run - Linkin Park
Clean - Depeche Mode
What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong
Thank U - Alanis Morrisette
Whatever it Takes - Lifehouse
I Can See Clearly Now - Jimmy Cliff
With a Little Help From My Friends - Joe Cocker
Walking in Memphis - Marc Cohn
Feeling Good - Michel Buble
The Best Is Yet To Come - Frank Sinatra
You Gotta Be - Des'ree
Tougher Than the Rest - Chris Ledoux
He Must Have Really Hurt You Bad - George Strait
Little Rock - Collin Raye
Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Hate Me - Blue October
She Used to be Mine - Brooks & Dunn
The Wrestler - Bruce Springsteen
No Surrender - Bruce Springsteen
Better Days - Bruce Springsteen
Gravity - A Perfect Circle
To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens
Stay Strong - Newsboys
True Life - Lights of Euphoria
How Great Thou Art - Carrie Underwood
Be Still My Soul - David Tolk
I need Thee Every Hour - David Tolk
The Test - Janice Kapp Perry
Hurt - Johnny Cash
No Time to Kill - Clint Black
Mama Tried - Merle Haggard
Don't Know What You Got - Cinderella
Collide - Howie Day
Fix You - Coldplay
When I Call Your Name - Vince Gill
Lost Cause - Beck
My Immortal - Evanescence
I'm Lost Without You - Blink 182
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
I Would Change My Life - Robert Earl Keen, Jr.
Ball and Chain - Social Distortion
How a Resurrection Really Feels - The Hold Steady
Amazing Grace - Dropkick Murphy's
If I Needed You - Don Williams
Be Still, My Soul - Eclipse
Weak and Powerless - A perfect Circle
Drinkin' Man - George Strait
Beautiful - Mercyme
Bring the Rain - Mercyme
I Can Only Imagine - Mercyme
Best is Yet To Come - Red
Fight Inside - Red
Take It All Away - Red
My Way to You - James Johnson
High Cost of Living - James Johnson
Into the Sun - The Parlor Mob
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Connection
I need connection. I crave connection. Right down to my core I desire the emotional intimacy that comes from a true connection. And yet, the actions of addiction often drive connection from my life. This happens in obvious ways, i.e. a healthy marriage relationship can't survive addictive behavior. But it happens in more subtle ways as well. Generally sex addicts do not make a good friend. I am generalizing a bit here, but our learned selfishness does not contribute to a positive relationship. In addiction, sex addiction, especially pornography addiction, revels in isolation. Unlike alcoholics, our acting out is often done alone...in fact finding alone time is often one of our key rituals leading to acting out.
All of this to say, there is a reason group work is so effective when dealing with addiction. Groups lead addicts to interact, and hopefully connect, with others.
For me this has become one of the key challenges of my recovery. Yes I crave connection and acceptance, yet I also push it away. But lately I have found myself with some friends from my recovery groups who won't let me push them away. They insist on being a part of my life. They insist on knowing me as I am, and still liking me ( a miracle). They insist on not criticizing me. They come from a place of pain themselves, and because they know the depths I've felt, they come to me with open arms and limitless understanding.
My challenge is to let them in. And I find it's amazing how difficult that simple concept is. I still struggle with the thought that anybody could care for me just as I am. I struggle with the thought that these friends will abandon me too once they "really" know me.
I have to let those guards down and let these good men in. They want to be my friend, not just to help me, but just to be my friend. And I want to be theirs. Why is that a battle? Likely only other addicts will understand, but my vow is to feel real connection. Allow it into my life, and help others find it in theirs.
All of this to say, there is a reason group work is so effective when dealing with addiction. Groups lead addicts to interact, and hopefully connect, with others.
For me this has become one of the key challenges of my recovery. Yes I crave connection and acceptance, yet I also push it away. But lately I have found myself with some friends from my recovery groups who won't let me push them away. They insist on being a part of my life. They insist on knowing me as I am, and still liking me ( a miracle). They insist on not criticizing me. They come from a place of pain themselves, and because they know the depths I've felt, they come to me with open arms and limitless understanding.
My challenge is to let them in. And I find it's amazing how difficult that simple concept is. I still struggle with the thought that anybody could care for me just as I am. I struggle with the thought that these friends will abandon me too once they "really" know me.
I have to let those guards down and let these good men in. They want to be my friend, not just to help me, but just to be my friend. And I want to be theirs. Why is that a battle? Likely only other addicts will understand, but my vow is to feel real connection. Allow it into my life, and help others find it in theirs.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Poem #2
The path of my life is strewn with destruction
from the lies I have told
to the hearts I have torn
There's my parents who love me and want my success
yet continually ache for the life I have led
Their support is unbending, but deep in their hearts
they question their role in creating my pain
There's my daughter who's life was turned upside down
when the daddy who kissed her each night before sleep
was no longer there as addiction took it's toll
and ended a marriage which was all her life knew
The marriage I have now ,a blessing beyond measure
has also been stained by the pain
trust shattered, safety destroyed, covenants mocked
until her very foundation seems to shake when she walks
The damage must stop, the destruction must end
only one path leads to a more peaceful place
recovery. sanity. sobriety.
Healing.
The marriage I have now ,a blessing beyond measure
has also been stained by the pain
trust shattered, safety destroyed, covenants mocked
until her very foundation seems to shake when she walks
The damage must stop, the destruction must end
only one path leads to a more peaceful place
recovery. sanity. sobriety.
Healing.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Recovery Quote
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
So much wisdom in that quote for a recovering addict. Learning the skill of the living in the moment is a real challenge for me. I leave to either beat myself up for the past, or be scared to death of messing up again in the future. And that's when I am in my sane, recovery mindset. When I'm in addiction mode I can only think about the memories of past hits, and dream about the a future hit.
Finding the ability to live in the moment is empowering. Learning to recognize that a temptation is just that...a temptation. It doesn't mean my past will always haunt me, nor does it mean I will always fall to addiction. It's just a temptation in the moment. If I can see it in that light, it gives the temptation so much less power.
The same goes for my emotions. If I feel a difficult emotion, such as frustration, it will pass. However if I view it as an indicator of what my life will "always" be like, it's much harder to deal with.
Live in the moment. Realize that the moment will pass. Be aware of how I'm feeling in the moment. These are all skills I'm trying to develop. They are all skills critical to recovery for me.
- 16 days of sobriety.
- Thurber, James
So much wisdom in that quote for a recovering addict. Learning the skill of the living in the moment is a real challenge for me. I leave to either beat myself up for the past, or be scared to death of messing up again in the future. And that's when I am in my sane, recovery mindset. When I'm in addiction mode I can only think about the memories of past hits, and dream about the a future hit.
Finding the ability to live in the moment is empowering. Learning to recognize that a temptation is just that...a temptation. It doesn't mean my past will always haunt me, nor does it mean I will always fall to addiction. It's just a temptation in the moment. If I can see it in that light, it gives the temptation so much less power.
The same goes for my emotions. If I feel a difficult emotion, such as frustration, it will pass. However if I view it as an indicator of what my life will "always" be like, it's much harder to deal with.
Live in the moment. Realize that the moment will pass. Be aware of how I'm feeling in the moment. These are all skills I'm trying to develop. They are all skills critical to recovery for me.
- 16 days of sobriety.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
An Update
It has really been a difficult few months. I had a prolonged period of sobriety, about 95 days, which ended in November. Since that time I have been bouncing around between working on recovery, feeling in complete despair, and lying about where I am in my progress. To say it's been a very difficult few months is understating it. It has been difficult for me and for my wife.
My faith has been shaken deeply over the past few months. I know faith and hope are the one things I cannot lose, but having faith in the face of such devastating mistakes is a difficult thing. I am working actively to keep my faith strong. At times it feels like a losing battle but it's a battle that must be fought. I won't give up faith.
I have to face the fact that my lying has gotten out of control as well. Over the past few months I lied to my wife and to my bishop. Bald faced lies. Deception is at least a big a part of this addiction as looking at pornography and chatting with women online. If I can commit to be honest, I believe the addiction would slowly die from starvation.
So I'm here, I'm writing, I'm working recovery...and trying to keep my head up. Lessons learned are extremely painful, but the pain is worth nothing if I don't learn from it.
15 days of sobriety.
My faith has been shaken deeply over the past few months. I know faith and hope are the one things I cannot lose, but having faith in the face of such devastating mistakes is a difficult thing. I am working actively to keep my faith strong. At times it feels like a losing battle but it's a battle that must be fought. I won't give up faith.
I have to face the fact that my lying has gotten out of control as well. Over the past few months I lied to my wife and to my bishop. Bald faced lies. Deception is at least a big a part of this addiction as looking at pornography and chatting with women online. If I can commit to be honest, I believe the addiction would slowly die from starvation.
So I'm here, I'm writing, I'm working recovery...and trying to keep my head up. Lessons learned are extremely painful, but the pain is worth nothing if I don't learn from it.
15 days of sobriety.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Marriage - again
I really love my wife. And yet my actions often show the exact opposite.
Marriage requires trust above all else. And yet I destroy trust on a consistent basis.
Working to recover from addition and repair a marriage is tough work. But it's also the most important work I can do.
These are the reasons that the Savior must be a partner in both recovery and healing.
Marriage requires trust above all else. And yet I destroy trust on a consistent basis.
Working to recover from addition and repair a marriage is tough work. But it's also the most important work I can do.
These are the reasons that the Savior must be a partner in both recovery and healing.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Mindset
Been reading an interesting book lately called Mindset, by Carol Dweck. The premise of the book is that individuals have one of two basic mindsets.
First is the mindset that our traits, personality, characteristics, and talents are basically set. We are who we are, and we can't change that much. For example, if I am a poor writer it's just simply a talent I don't have. I'm not a natural born writer, and therefore will not be able to write for a living.
The second mindset is a growth mindset. No matter what our characteristic or personality or talent now, this mindset says they can always be improved. This mindset says, if I'm not a good writer now, through hard work, effort, and learning I can become an excellent writer.
The interesting thing about the two mindsets is how much having the second mindset can contribute to success. The author has done meticulous studies which show how much the second mindset drives our ability to improve and achieve remarkable results.
The first mindset leads us to think of failures as devastating. "If I can't improve, and I fail, that must mean I am doomed to always fail.
While the second mindset sees failure as an opportunity to get better. "If I failed now, that means I'm learning, so I'll try again and learn from each mistake"
It's remarkable how much these two mindsets can play into addiction. I think it's safe to say that most addicts come from mindset #1. We often say to ourselves (sub-consciously)
"I'm stuck in this addiction. No matter what choices I made to get here, there is now no way out. It is who I am, it's a weakness of mine, part of my in-born traits, and there really isn't anything I can do about it".
But the second mindset is the the way of thinking the Twelve Steps teach us. It teaches that growth comes from admitting our mistakes, seeing that there is a way out, and then living every day to improve ourselves and turn ourselves to the Lord. It teaches that through righteous action and positive daily effort, we can improve those traits that led us into addiction.
I know I for one suffer from the first mindset in a severe way. I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my thoughts with growth mindsets thoughts, thoughts that will lead me to truly believe I can make improvements and overcome addiction.
First is the mindset that our traits, personality, characteristics, and talents are basically set. We are who we are, and we can't change that much. For example, if I am a poor writer it's just simply a talent I don't have. I'm not a natural born writer, and therefore will not be able to write for a living.
The second mindset is a growth mindset. No matter what our characteristic or personality or talent now, this mindset says they can always be improved. This mindset says, if I'm not a good writer now, through hard work, effort, and learning I can become an excellent writer.
The interesting thing about the two mindsets is how much having the second mindset can contribute to success. The author has done meticulous studies which show how much the second mindset drives our ability to improve and achieve remarkable results.
The first mindset leads us to think of failures as devastating. "If I can't improve, and I fail, that must mean I am doomed to always fail.
While the second mindset sees failure as an opportunity to get better. "If I failed now, that means I'm learning, so I'll try again and learn from each mistake"
It's remarkable how much these two mindsets can play into addiction. I think it's safe to say that most addicts come from mindset #1. We often say to ourselves (sub-consciously)
"I'm stuck in this addiction. No matter what choices I made to get here, there is now no way out. It is who I am, it's a weakness of mine, part of my in-born traits, and there really isn't anything I can do about it".
But the second mindset is the the way of thinking the Twelve Steps teach us. It teaches that growth comes from admitting our mistakes, seeing that there is a way out, and then living every day to improve ourselves and turn ourselves to the Lord. It teaches that through righteous action and positive daily effort, we can improve those traits that led us into addiction.
I know I for one suffer from the first mindset in a severe way. I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my thoughts with growth mindsets thoughts, thoughts that will lead me to truly believe I can make improvements and overcome addiction.
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