I really love my wife. And yet my actions often show the exact opposite.
Marriage requires trust above all else. And yet I destroy trust on a consistent basis.
Working to recover from addition and repair a marriage is tough work. But it's also the most important work I can do.
These are the reasons that the Savior must be a partner in both recovery and healing.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Mindset
Been reading an interesting book lately called Mindset, by Carol Dweck. The premise of the book is that individuals have one of two basic mindsets.
First is the mindset that our traits, personality, characteristics, and talents are basically set. We are who we are, and we can't change that much. For example, if I am a poor writer it's just simply a talent I don't have. I'm not a natural born writer, and therefore will not be able to write for a living.
The second mindset is a growth mindset. No matter what our characteristic or personality or talent now, this mindset says they can always be improved. This mindset says, if I'm not a good writer now, through hard work, effort, and learning I can become an excellent writer.
The interesting thing about the two mindsets is how much having the second mindset can contribute to success. The author has done meticulous studies which show how much the second mindset drives our ability to improve and achieve remarkable results.
The first mindset leads us to think of failures as devastating. "If I can't improve, and I fail, that must mean I am doomed to always fail.
While the second mindset sees failure as an opportunity to get better. "If I failed now, that means I'm learning, so I'll try again and learn from each mistake"
It's remarkable how much these two mindsets can play into addiction. I think it's safe to say that most addicts come from mindset #1. We often say to ourselves (sub-consciously)
"I'm stuck in this addiction. No matter what choices I made to get here, there is now no way out. It is who I am, it's a weakness of mine, part of my in-born traits, and there really isn't anything I can do about it".
But the second mindset is the the way of thinking the Twelve Steps teach us. It teaches that growth comes from admitting our mistakes, seeing that there is a way out, and then living every day to improve ourselves and turn ourselves to the Lord. It teaches that through righteous action and positive daily effort, we can improve those traits that led us into addiction.
I know I for one suffer from the first mindset in a severe way. I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my thoughts with growth mindsets thoughts, thoughts that will lead me to truly believe I can make improvements and overcome addiction.
First is the mindset that our traits, personality, characteristics, and talents are basically set. We are who we are, and we can't change that much. For example, if I am a poor writer it's just simply a talent I don't have. I'm not a natural born writer, and therefore will not be able to write for a living.
The second mindset is a growth mindset. No matter what our characteristic or personality or talent now, this mindset says they can always be improved. This mindset says, if I'm not a good writer now, through hard work, effort, and learning I can become an excellent writer.
The interesting thing about the two mindsets is how much having the second mindset can contribute to success. The author has done meticulous studies which show how much the second mindset drives our ability to improve and achieve remarkable results.
The first mindset leads us to think of failures as devastating. "If I can't improve, and I fail, that must mean I am doomed to always fail.
While the second mindset sees failure as an opportunity to get better. "If I failed now, that means I'm learning, so I'll try again and learn from each mistake"
It's remarkable how much these two mindsets can play into addiction. I think it's safe to say that most addicts come from mindset #1. We often say to ourselves (sub-consciously)
"I'm stuck in this addiction. No matter what choices I made to get here, there is now no way out. It is who I am, it's a weakness of mine, part of my in-born traits, and there really isn't anything I can do about it".
But the second mindset is the the way of thinking the Twelve Steps teach us. It teaches that growth comes from admitting our mistakes, seeing that there is a way out, and then living every day to improve ourselves and turn ourselves to the Lord. It teaches that through righteous action and positive daily effort, we can improve those traits that led us into addiction.
I know I for one suffer from the first mindset in a severe way. I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my thoughts with growth mindsets thoughts, thoughts that will lead me to truly believe I can make improvements and overcome addiction.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Recovery Meetings
I can't figure out if this post should go under the topic of "whining" or "getting it off my chest" or perhaps more optimistically "constructive criticism".
I attend weekly meetings at the LDS Family Services addiction recovery meetings. These meetings have been a powerful tool in my recovery efforts. They are patterned after SA meetings, yet follow gospel principles to allow the spirit and gospel truth to help is in our recovery.
Lately, the meetings have undergone some changes. Most of which I am struggling to reconcile. My brief summary of each one and my feelings about them:
1) We are not allowed to clap after a person shares their days of sobriety. This one perhaps doesn't seem like a big deal. But unless you've been an addict who struggles to make it through even one day without acting out, it's hard to understand just how good it feels to have a group of men clapping for your honest efforts to be sober. Be it one day of sobriety or 800, the clapping for my brothers and their recovery efforts was on of my favorite parts of the meeting. I'm not sure what damage this caused or what the reason for removing it from the program, but I sincerely miss it.
2) Closely tied to #1, the program no longer gives out tokens for sobriety landmarks. Small tokens were given out such as a CTR ring for 30 days, a tie tack for 90 days, a plaque for 180 days, and a painting of the savior for one year. Again, for those of us who are addicts, seeing ourselves as being worth celebrating is very difficult. We often see ourselves as not worthy of any praise. These small tokens meant a lot, and it's a shame they are no longer allowed.
3) This one is the issue I have struggled with the most. We are no longer allowed to introduce ourselves as "Recovering addicts from pornography" (or sexual sins, or lust, or anything else specific). We must only say "I am a recovering addict". My issue here is simple. For many of us biggest gain we get from going to these meetings is removing the shame we feel about our addiction. We see that there is hope of recovery. Removing that shame is a crucial part of recovery. Now, it seems that the recovery meetings are basically telling us that we should be ashamed of the type of addict we are, so ashamed that we aren't even allowed to say it in a group of other addicts.
There. I feel better now that I got that off my chest.
I attend weekly meetings at the LDS Family Services addiction recovery meetings. These meetings have been a powerful tool in my recovery efforts. They are patterned after SA meetings, yet follow gospel principles to allow the spirit and gospel truth to help is in our recovery.
Lately, the meetings have undergone some changes. Most of which I am struggling to reconcile. My brief summary of each one and my feelings about them:
1) We are not allowed to clap after a person shares their days of sobriety. This one perhaps doesn't seem like a big deal. But unless you've been an addict who struggles to make it through even one day without acting out, it's hard to understand just how good it feels to have a group of men clapping for your honest efforts to be sober. Be it one day of sobriety or 800, the clapping for my brothers and their recovery efforts was on of my favorite parts of the meeting. I'm not sure what damage this caused or what the reason for removing it from the program, but I sincerely miss it.
2) Closely tied to #1, the program no longer gives out tokens for sobriety landmarks. Small tokens were given out such as a CTR ring for 30 days, a tie tack for 90 days, a plaque for 180 days, and a painting of the savior for one year. Again, for those of us who are addicts, seeing ourselves as being worth celebrating is very difficult. We often see ourselves as not worthy of any praise. These small tokens meant a lot, and it's a shame they are no longer allowed.
3) This one is the issue I have struggled with the most. We are no longer allowed to introduce ourselves as "Recovering addicts from pornography" (or sexual sins, or lust, or anything else specific). We must only say "I am a recovering addict". My issue here is simple. For many of us biggest gain we get from going to these meetings is removing the shame we feel about our addiction. We see that there is hope of recovery. Removing that shame is a crucial part of recovery. Now, it seems that the recovery meetings are basically telling us that we should be ashamed of the type of addict we are, so ashamed that we aren't even allowed to say it in a group of other addicts.
There. I feel better now that I got that off my chest.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Ups and Downs
I've struggled lately, with a lot of things. I slipped up a few months ago. It wasn't a big slip up, until I compounded it by not being honest about it. Instead I tried to sweep it under the rug and hope no one, especially my wife, wouldn't find out. I don't know how long it will take me to learn that this method doesn't work, and is in fact very damaging. But apparently I haven't learned the lesson yet.
The trouble with this kind of dishonesty is that the lying probably hurts my wife more than the actual acting out. Just as important, I can't really regain my focus on recovery until I am being honest about my sobriety days and what I've done. So I'm held back in the two areas of my life that need the most work. My relationship with my wife, and my efforts to gain recovery from my addiction to pornography.
That is the down side. Still struggling with both recovery and sobriety, and still struggling with honesty.
The good side. When my wife confronted me with what she knew, it caused some really deep reflection on my part. Instead of insisting I was "doing better" I tried to honestly look at where I was in relation to recovery. This wasn't pleasant. The truth is painful. Over the last 12 months I have regressed. However, returning to Step 1 and admitting honestly where I am is the first step to getting better.
So now I feel on an upward slope. Gaining some ground and feeling better about myself.
It seems to be an endless roller coaster.
One day at a time.
The trouble with this kind of dishonesty is that the lying probably hurts my wife more than the actual acting out. Just as important, I can't really regain my focus on recovery until I am being honest about my sobriety days and what I've done. So I'm held back in the two areas of my life that need the most work. My relationship with my wife, and my efforts to gain recovery from my addiction to pornography.
That is the down side. Still struggling with both recovery and sobriety, and still struggling with honesty.
The good side. When my wife confronted me with what she knew, it caused some really deep reflection on my part. Instead of insisting I was "doing better" I tried to honestly look at where I was in relation to recovery. This wasn't pleasant. The truth is painful. Over the last 12 months I have regressed. However, returning to Step 1 and admitting honestly where I am is the first step to getting better.
So now I feel on an upward slope. Gaining some ground and feeling better about myself.
It seems to be an endless roller coaster.
One day at a time.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Fulfilling Our Duty
Sometimes there are blessings just for showing up.
This morning was General Priesthood meeting in our stake. Started at 7:00 AM, and while I wake up early nearly every morning, for some reason this morning it was extremely difficult to wake up and go. Even after I showered I wanted to crawl back in bed.
But through it all one thought kept running through my head:
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33
I need a lot of things "added unto" me. Not the least of which is a healing from an addiction that threatens to destroy my life. But as the scripture says, it's my job to seek the kingdom of God first. And laying in bed on a cold winters morning, when my duty was to be in a meeting, is definitely not putting the kingdom of God first in my life.
So I braved the winter storm and I went.
I wish I could say I was greatly inspired and the meeting contained the keys to happiness for the rest of my life. It was a good meeting, but nothing particularly stood out. But as I set here this morning I feel a calm and a peace, simply because I showed up when I was supposed to.
Baby steps.
This morning was General Priesthood meeting in our stake. Started at 7:00 AM, and while I wake up early nearly every morning, for some reason this morning it was extremely difficult to wake up and go. Even after I showered I wanted to crawl back in bed.
But through it all one thought kept running through my head:
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33
I need a lot of things "added unto" me. Not the least of which is a healing from an addiction that threatens to destroy my life. But as the scripture says, it's my job to seek the kingdom of God first. And laying in bed on a cold winters morning, when my duty was to be in a meeting, is definitely not putting the kingdom of God first in my life.
So I braved the winter storm and I went.
I wish I could say I was greatly inspired and the meeting contained the keys to happiness for the rest of my life. It was a good meeting, but nothing particularly stood out. But as I set here this morning I feel a calm and a peace, simply because I showed up when I was supposed to.
Baby steps.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Life is Busy
My life is extremely busy right now. Between a demanding job, kids, family, marriage, and school, my wife and I do not lack for ways to spend our time. This may sound like a complaint, but as I think about it, I don't think it is.
For an addict like myself, I think busy is good. Keeping my time occupied is fulfilling and productive. Being productive is the complete opposite of acting out in addiction. When I'm acting out, I am destroying rather than producing. So when I am being productive and active, it gives me a natural high rather than the chemical 'fake' high I get from pornography.
Still, there are some challenges that come with being so busy. There are activities which I know will benefit me that are hard to fit in. Exercise, writing, spending time on recovery efforts all fall into this category. Not to mention that I enjoy cooking and wish I had the time to cook more healthy foods for our family.
Add on to all of that the simple fact that a strong marriage takes a lot of quality time together. When a marriage has been damaged the way ours has, it takes even more time. This is time I freely want to give. I want to do what it takes to build our marriage. But again, it's easy for the busyness of life to overwhelm even our best intentions in that regard.
So I am trying to manage my time wisely and with the guidance of the spirit. I don't always do it right, in fact I may be wrong more than I am right. But as a classic addict, the one thing I need to avoid is getting down on myself because things don't always go perfect.
I wake up everyday early, and I try to be as productive as possible, and for not...that feels like the right approach.
For an addict like myself, I think busy is good. Keeping my time occupied is fulfilling and productive. Being productive is the complete opposite of acting out in addiction. When I'm acting out, I am destroying rather than producing. So when I am being productive and active, it gives me a natural high rather than the chemical 'fake' high I get from pornography.
Still, there are some challenges that come with being so busy. There are activities which I know will benefit me that are hard to fit in. Exercise, writing, spending time on recovery efforts all fall into this category. Not to mention that I enjoy cooking and wish I had the time to cook more healthy foods for our family.
Add on to all of that the simple fact that a strong marriage takes a lot of quality time together. When a marriage has been damaged the way ours has, it takes even more time. This is time I freely want to give. I want to do what it takes to build our marriage. But again, it's easy for the busyness of life to overwhelm even our best intentions in that regard.
So I am trying to manage my time wisely and with the guidance of the spirit. I don't always do it right, in fact I may be wrong more than I am right. But as a classic addict, the one thing I need to avoid is getting down on myself because things don't always go perfect.
I wake up everyday early, and I try to be as productive as possible, and for not...that feels like the right approach.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Lessons of Travel
I have a job which requires a fair amount of travel. I actually enjoy traveling, I like seeing new cities and I love spending time with clients. However, many of my mistakes have been while I have been on the road. It seems that the down time, combined with being away from home just adds up to serious issues for me.
Naturally this causes great concern from my wife whenever I have to travel, to the point that it becomes difficult for us to even really talk about my travel.
Well, I am on another trip now. I know it's hard for her. And I also know travel has been hard for me in the past. The last thing I want to do right now is make a mistake. Sobriety stands at 32 days, and feels great.
So what lessons am I learning which will help me on this trip? Well, first of all, I am recognizing that this is a time of weakness. I prayed to my Father in Heaven as I drove this morning, specifically asking for strength over the next three days. Acknowledging that I am weak, and asking him for the strength that I do not have.
Amazing things happen when I recognize my weakness and ask Him for strength. He blesses me. He strengthens me. He helps me feel his love.
So here I am, in a hotel room, feeling the love of the Lord and the support of my wife. And you know what? I feel like a clear thinking, rational, non-insane person. I feel like someone who can actually travel and not have it turn into some porn watching binge. Is this how normal people feel?
All I do know is, today has been a good day. And tomorrow morning I will wake up, acknowledge my powerlessness, turn my will over to my Savior, and ask Him for strength one more day.
Naturally this causes great concern from my wife whenever I have to travel, to the point that it becomes difficult for us to even really talk about my travel.
Well, I am on another trip now. I know it's hard for her. And I also know travel has been hard for me in the past. The last thing I want to do right now is make a mistake. Sobriety stands at 32 days, and feels great.
So what lessons am I learning which will help me on this trip? Well, first of all, I am recognizing that this is a time of weakness. I prayed to my Father in Heaven as I drove this morning, specifically asking for strength over the next three days. Acknowledging that I am weak, and asking him for the strength that I do not have.
Amazing things happen when I recognize my weakness and ask Him for strength. He blesses me. He strengthens me. He helps me feel his love.
So here I am, in a hotel room, feeling the love of the Lord and the support of my wife. And you know what? I feel like a clear thinking, rational, non-insane person. I feel like someone who can actually travel and not have it turn into some porn watching binge. Is this how normal people feel?
All I do know is, today has been a good day. And tomorrow morning I will wake up, acknowledge my powerlessness, turn my will over to my Savior, and ask Him for strength one more day.
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