Poem #2

The path of my life is strewn with destruction

from the lies I have told

to the hearts I have torn

There's my parents who love me and want my success

yet continually ache for the life I have led

Their support is unbending, but deep in their hearts

they question their role in creating my pain

There's my daughter who's life was turned upside down

when the daddy who kissed her each night before sleep

was no longer there as addiction took it's toll

and ended a marriage which was all her life knew

The marriage I have now ,a blessing beyond measure
 has also been stained by the pain
trust shattered, safety destroyed, covenants mocked
until her very foundation seems to shake when she walks

The damage must stop, the destruction must end
only one path leads to a more peaceful place
recovery. sanity. sobriety.
Healing.
 

Recovery Quote

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

 - Thurber, James

So much wisdom in that quote for a recovering addict.  Learning the skill of the living in the moment is a real challenge for me. I leave to either beat myself up for the past, or be scared to death of messing up again in the future.  And that's when I am in my sane, recovery mindset. When I'm in addiction mode I can only think about the memories of past hits, and dream about the a future hit.

Finding the ability to live in the moment is empowering. Learning to recognize that a temptation is just that...a temptation. It doesn't mean my past will always haunt me, nor does it mean I will always fall to addiction. It's just a temptation in the moment. If I can see it in that light, it gives the temptation so much less power.

The same goes for my emotions. If I feel a difficult emotion, such as frustration, it will pass. However if I view it as an indicator of what my life will "always" be like, it's much harder to deal with.

Live in the moment. Realize that the moment will pass. Be aware of how I'm feeling in the moment. These are all skills I'm trying to develop. They are all skills critical to recovery for me.

- 16 days of sobriety.

An Update

It has really been a difficult few months. I had a prolonged period of sobriety, about 95 days, which ended in November. Since that time I have been bouncing around between working on recovery, feeling in complete despair, and lying about where I am in my progress. To say it's been a very difficult few months is understating it. It has been difficult for me and for my wife.

My faith has been shaken deeply over the past few months. I know faith and hope are the one things I cannot lose, but having faith in the face of such devastating mistakes is a difficult thing. I am working actively to keep my faith strong. At times it feels like a losing battle but it's a battle that must be fought. I won't give up faith.

I have to face the fact that my lying has gotten out of control as well. Over the past few months I lied to my wife and to my bishop. Bald faced lies. Deception is at least a big a part of this addiction as looking at pornography and chatting with women online. If I can commit to be honest, I believe the addiction would slowly die from starvation.

So I'm here, I'm writing, I'm working recovery...and trying to keep my head up. Lessons learned are extremely painful, but the pain is worth nothing if I don't learn from it.

15 days of sobriety.