My First Attempt at Poetry

Light

Dark and dreary
Not knowing where to turn
Hollow and empty
It’s hard not to feel alone
Yet, there in the tunnel
Is a small shimmering light
I approach it with caution
Not daring to hope
Unable to run
Not feeling much strength
Moving my feet seems out of reach
Yet the light shines in front of me
And the one thing I know
I must discover it’s source
So slowly I move
Until pain shoots through my body
But move I must
Eternity passes
The light glimmers closer
Drawing my gaze
Suddenly beams break apart
I am blinded and slam shut my eyes
Was I deceived all along
Was it only an illusion
Trembling I open my eyes
Wondering if I can go on without the light
Only to find
It wasn’t one light
But many
Shining brightly in the dark
The people who love me
And want me to break free
The Savior who died for me
Shining brightest of all
So I move my feet forward again
A little bit faster now
With a glimmer of hope
Instilled in my heart

Fruits

So after relapsing, and while dealing with the terrible feelings that come with slipping back into an addiction that is slowly destroying my life, I have been thinking about fruits.

I'm talking about the metaphorical fruits the scriptures mention again and again.

When I am thinking clearly, like I am right now, it's pretty easy to see what the fruits of my actions are.

When I act out in the addiction it brings nothing but pain, sorry, and self-doubt. Not only to me but to all those around me.

When I act righteously, stay in recovery, and live the gospel, I bring happiness, peace and calm. Along with a degree of self-confidence that the addiction destroys.

So why is that so hard to see during times I am struggling with addiction? How can it possibly seem like a good idea to do things that I know will destroy my happiness? It seems so completely crazy. There hasn't been one time that looking at pornography has brought me lasting peace and happiness. Not once. Yet I turn to it again and again.

I wish I understood it. If a tree gave off rotten apples I'd only have take a bit of one once to learn never to eat from that tree again. Yet I continually turn back to my addiction.

Well...at least today I'm thinking clearly about this. And today is the day that matters.

Messed Up

I relapsed.

It's hard to say that. And it is hard to set the clock back to zero days, but that is reality.

Being an addict to pornography is such a crazy thing. It's almost impossible to describe how terrible I feel when I relapse. Yet, all of these feelings are brought about by decisions I freely choose. It doesn't make any sense to myself, let alone to those around me.

So here I am. With 20 hours of sobriety. Trying to understand how to put my life back together. Perhaps the biggest challenge is. My wife is broken too. She's broken because of the pain my decisions bring.

Now we are trying to work on our marriage, and trying to help each other heal, while both being damaged. That is a difficult thing to do.

For the next while I think this blog will be more personal, and more about my personal battle to recover. I'll see if the writing helps.