So after relapsing, and while dealing with the terrible feelings that come with slipping back into an addiction that is slowly destroying my life, I have been thinking about fruits.
I'm talking about the metaphorical fruits the scriptures mention again and again.
When I am thinking clearly, like I am right now, it's pretty easy to see what the fruits of my actions are.
When I act out in the addiction it brings nothing but pain, sorry, and self-doubt. Not only to me but to all those around me.
When I act righteously, stay in recovery, and live the gospel, I bring happiness, peace and calm. Along with a degree of self-confidence that the addiction destroys.
So why is that so hard to see during times I am struggling with addiction? How can it possibly seem like a good idea to do things that I know will destroy my happiness? It seems so completely crazy. There hasn't been one time that looking at pornography has brought me lasting peace and happiness. Not once. Yet I turn to it again and again.
I wish I understood it. If a tree gave off rotten apples I'd only have take a bit of one once to learn never to eat from that tree again. Yet I continually turn back to my addiction.
Well...at least today I'm thinking clearly about this. And today is the day that matters.
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