Sunday, September 19, 2010
I read this article today about the affect of pornography on wives, and it absolutely broke my heart.
I am in love with my wife. Completely and totally in love with her.
And yet every emotion described in that article is an emotion she has felt due to my acting out in my addiction.
I believe there is a difference between shame/guilt and godly sorrow. It's easy for me to feel guilt and beat myself up my actions.
But when I think about the pain I have caused my wife, what I feel is a deep sorrow. This is a woman I love, who has had to suffer incredibly acute pain because of my choices.
True godly sorrow leads to change. And when I contemplate the destruction my choices have caused, it leads me to desire to turn myself to my Savior completely and totally, and do whatever he requires of me to heal my life, and my families lives.
Perhaps only those who have been in my position can understand the complex feelings that come from acting completely counter to how they feel. I believe that many men who live in pornography addiction truly love their wives. We would jump into a freezing cold river to save her. We would protect her life by giving up their own.
...and yet, in moments of weakness, we can't stop ourselves from behavior which brings her world crashing down.
That is the devastation of addiction. It destroys the wife...and it destroys the addict.
But their is great hope. Hope in Jesus Christ. He wants nothing more than to heal those painful wounds. And he can.