Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Story - Part 3

(I'm not really sure how I feel about telling my story...this is a long and painful journey. But my heart is telling me to write it down for two reasons. First, because there may be some therapy in it for me, and second, because maybe someone out there can relate and learn from my pain. I don't know if this will be as much a narrative as a brain dump of events. To start at the beginning of my story, click here.)

Acting out

As I have earlier described, I spent a good part of my younger years battling thoughts that were not clean. I wish I understood better where those thoughts came from, but even after deep contemplation I cannot locate their source. However, they were the stepping stone to my next behavior.

In the 80's there were not the avenues to seek sexual material the way there is now. I couldn't get online and find pornography. Growing up in Utah County I couldn't go to the magazine rack and find a Playboy. But I did find my "pornography" in romance novels. Yep that's right, romance novels.

I would go to the store with my mom, and tell her that rather than shop, I wanted to go to the magazine rack and look at the sports magazines. I was obsessed with sports, so this little lie fit in perfectly. I would then locate the romance novel with the steamiest cover, and look for a sex scene. It took several efforts to find a scene that excited me. However, once I did it left an incredible impression on me.

How do I know it left such an impression? To this day, 20+ years later, I not only remember the name of the book, but the exact page number in which I found the scene. That day I got a hit of a drug so strong, that this many years later, I am still trying to overcome my bodies desire for it.

That drug has destroyed a marriage, and left a path of destruction through my life which is strewn with carnage. And now, my biggest desire is to live a life completely without that drug.

It is through my faith in Jesus Christ that i will be healed from an addiction that has lasted through all of those many years.

1 comment:

Angela Dare said...

Stay strong in your trust in the Lord, I wish you complete recovery. I stayed with my husband despite his destroying our marriage with porn and it is a daily struggle not to lash out at him for the pain he's caused me. I've tried to use the destruction to learn how Christ needs us to become, how to forgive. I've tried to use each painful incident to grow my own weakness and love my husband. I understand how you struggle and wish you the best.