Friday, September 17, 2010

My Story - Part 2

(I'm not really sure how I feel about telling my story...this is a long and painful journey. But my heart is telling me to write it down for two reasons. First, because there may be some therapy in it for me, and second, because maybe someone out there can relate and learn from my pain. I don't know if this will be as much a narrative as a brain dump of events. To start at the beginning of my story, click here.)

Part 2 - Confession
I guess confession might be a weird place to pick up this story, but these events had a powerful impact on my life. About the time I was 11 I watched a couple of movies at a sleep over party that I knew I shouldn't have. Based on some of the thoughts I had been having, these movies excited me, but they also shamed me. I knew it was not the kind of thing I wanted to have in my life.

I carried these actions with me for a long period of time. They hung in my heart and cast a shadow across so much of my life. I just couldn't stop thinking about I had watched and how I needed to repent of it.

I learned during this time about the act of confession as part of repentance. In my heart I knew I had to confess what I had done. But then that thought which has haunted me for the past 20+ years came into my mind.

"You CAN'T tell anyone what you've done. If you tell them they will hate you, they will think you are a terrible person, they will shame you. You simply have to keep it secret".

I can't count how many times I have told myself that during my struggle with addiction. Unfortunately, I have listened to that message many times.

But this time, as an 11 year old, I finally got the courage to tell my mom as I was in bed one night. She listened to me, she talked to me, she told me she loved me, and she gave me a hug.

I wish I could say that night turned around my life. Unfortunately, as my story goes on you'll see that it didn't. However, I learned a valuable lesson that night. Confession is an act of humility which is necessary for repentance, necessary to have a clear conscience, and can lead to an outpouring of love.

I was not rejected by my mom because I told her that night, I was loved. I have had many times since then where I have known confession was the required step. Those times have never been easy, and many times I have not taken that step like I should. But I've never forgotten the lesson I learned that night that confession leads to peace.

Mosiah 26:29
... and if he confess his sins before thee and me, and repenteth in the sincerity of his heart, him shall ye forgive, and I will forgive him also.

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