Monday, September 13, 2010

My Story - Part 1

(I'm not really sure how I feel about telling my story...this is a long and painful journey. But my heart is telling me to write it down for two reasons. First, because there may be some therapy in it for me, and second, because maybe someone out there can relate and learn from my pain. I don't know if this will be as much a narrative as a brain dump of events. To start at the beginning of my story, click here.)

Part 1

When I hear people talk about what lead them into a pornography or sexual addiction, there is often a specific event. For some it is something traumatic such as sexual abuse. For others it is a particular sleepover where they were introduced to pornography, or an uncle who thought they should "see the world" and showed them something pornographic. I have searched and searched my mind, but I cannot remember a single event which led me down this path.

I remember very clearly taking long road trips in the car with my parents. I would often lay on the floor, or lay down in the backseat and try to sleep. My brother was much better at falling asleep in the car than I was, and he was also older than me, so I would get crammed into a small space and would make every effort to sleep away the long hours. About the age of 9 or 10 I started thinking thoughts while I was in this stage. Dirty thoughts. I can't remember exactly what they were, or what even led me to those type of thoughts. But they were there at a young age, and they were real.

There was a time when I heard a primary lesson or a talk in church, or maybe even a Family Home Evening, which talked about controlling your thoughts. I felt the impact of that lesson deep in my heart, and I knew that I needed to stop thinking these thoughts, these early 'fantasies".

So I did. For a time. But for some reason I didn't keep that control, and about a year later I started thinking those same thoughts. In some ways it is very odd to me. We were very careful in my house about what we watched on TV. I wasn't reading anything sexual. What led me to those thoughts? I really don't know, but they were real. And if I analyze my life carefully, they were the beginning of a long and painful road that has led me to being a 39 year old sex addiction who continues to destroy his own life and the life of others.

Alma 12:14
...and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.

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