Sunday, January 16, 2011

Moving On

It has been an up and down couple of weeks.

On the positive side, I have remained sober. My current sobriety count is at 18 days. This is really not a surprise, after a serious relapse I generally am able to go for a month or so without much temptation. Still, 18 days feels good.

If you've never dealt with an addiction, it may be hard to understand just how good even one day of not falling prey to the destruction in your life can feel. But certainly for me, after a couple of weeks of living without pornography, my thinking starts to come back together. I feel a little more productive, a little more unselfish, a little more clear-minded. In a word, I guess, I feel a little more sane.

But then there is the other side. The fact is, addictive behavior is destructive. It wreaks havoc in the lives of the addict, and the people who are close to him. My last relapse caused severe damage in my personal life. Trying to repair that damage, while also trying to work on the self-care recovery requires is a balancing act that at times feels beyond me.

And yet, here I am. 18 days sober, with a great love for my wife and a desire to heal the damage I have done in her life. The faith that through the Savior my life, and hers, can be healed is what keeps me going. And right now, that hope feels more powerful than any of the difficulties which are on this path.

So I keep walking, every day trying to take the actions that lead from insanity to sanity.

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