Thursday, January 20, 2011

My Story Part 4

(I'm not really sure how I feel about telling my story...this is a long and painful journey. But my heart is telling me to write it down for two reasons. First, because there may be some therapy in it for me, and second, because maybe someone out there can relate and learn from my pain. I don't know if this will be as much a narrative as a brain dump of events. To start at the beginning of my story, click here.)

Part 4

After my experience with romance novels, my cravings were nearly constant. At the time I was 11-13 years old. In all honesty, I don't think I even understood what I was reading. I didn't know what the sexual act even was at the time. I just knew that I was excited by what I was reading, and that I couldn't get enough.

This part of my life is when I can start to identify "insane" behaviors. If I had a couple of hours alone, I would hop on my little one speed bike and ride 10 miles to the store where I knew I cold find this type of book. I remember riding through rain and snow storms just to get a little fix. It was a long ride on my small legs, yet I would make it whenever I thought I could get away with it.

This is when I can remember the beginnings of my lying as well. I would make up elaborate stories to get a few hours on my own in order to look at magazines or books with sexual content. The magazines weren't even that explicit, but in my young hormone driven body the excitement level was something I could not deal with.

It's interesting to look back now. I was an honest kid, one who tried to do what is right. I willingly went to church, listened to what I was taught, and believed it. I wanted to live the teaching of Christ. And yet with but one or two exposures to sexual content, I suddenly lost control of many items I knew were wrong.

I wasn't a lying kid, and yet in order to look at more exciting books, I began to lie. All the time. I can even remember the feelings of shame and guilt in these times. Sexual content completely changed my approach to what I would and would not do.

It's a bit scary to remember just how quickly my ethical decisions changed. Obviously I didn't see it at the time, but I can see it clearly now. And the habit of lying and deception has proven extremely difficult to overcome ever since.

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